Recently in Struggle Category

I've now lost 152 pounds. That's like losing my sister. Actually that's probably more than my sister weighs, I don't know I've never asked her. Let's just agree that 152 pounds is a pretty large amount and move on.

I don't have a single interesting, insightful or useful thing to say about 152 pounds. 152 pounds loss means I'm still 58 pounds from that "Goal Weight" that I told weight watchers online when I started the program. That number didn't mean anything at all to me when I put it in. When I began my journey to becoming a healthier person that one benchmark goal I had in mind was a clothing size. I'm wearing shorts in that clothing size as I type this. They fit. It's safe to say I now wear the size I was really looking forward to wearing. But if I'm honest with myself I guess I thought that this size would be a lot closer to the stupid goal number than it is. Like maybe a 25 pound difference instead of a 58 pound difference.

I've never really gotten frustrated or discouraged during this whole process. I mean for years I'd let myself get fatter and fatter and fatter until one day I was so disturbed by my body and my weight that I had to change my life so if I lost 1.6 pounds one week instead of 2.4 it's really not that big of a deal. But now I'm frustrated if not discouraged. 58 pounds. Really, I'm at size X and I've still got another 58 pounds to reach that number that never mattered until now, suddenly it does matter? And by the way that 58 pounds still puts me in the "overweight" category of the BMI but whatever about that.

Even at my heaviest, my close to 400 poundness I was never one of those people who couldn't walk and talk without being short of breath. I was never tempted to ride one of those scooter things in a store because it was physically taxing to walk around. Because my weight didn't mess my life up too terribly I was able to comfortably ignore it. B and I had a conversation the other day though about all the things we did or didn't do that were dictated by our weight before. She listed a whole bunch of things and though I knew she was right and they were true I still tried to deflect and be "oh it wasn't that bad, we weren't really that compromised" but that's bullshit. We were. We were limited in where we could shop, where we could eat (I'd never eat outdoors anywhere with plastic chairs for fear of breaking them), where we could watch movies (old theaters = small seats) and where we could go (I'm afraid of flying yes but I was really afraid of flying morbidly obese. I didn't want to be that super fat person that everyone on the plane looks at with disgust because I don't fit into the little seat). We were limited in a lot of ways.

We're not limited at all because of weight anymore, we're active and healthy. So why have I become obsessed with numbers on the scale? I mean I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't been happy this past year and change every time my weight has gone down. When you're morbidly obese getting lighter on the scale is the one piece of data you can point to as evidence of getting healthier. I know I'm healthier because of the food I eat and the exercise I do and the multivitamin I take each day but one real concrete measure of that is how much I weigh.

I had mini goals. Like I was really looking forward to losing 100 pounds. The day I did it I went to the record store and the coffee shop. Two of my favorite activities in one day in celebration of reaching the 100 pound mark. After losing 100 pounds I was really looking forward to weighing 250 pounds. That was the number B and I decided that I could try to start running. My body just weighed too much for me to run before. As a medical professional B was really concerned about damage to my joints if I tried to run (even though my lack of cardiovascular fitness would only have let me run in tiny bursts) when I was well, well over that 250 pound mark. How did we arrive at the arbitrary 250 pound mark? Our mutual love of football is to thank. I convinced her that football players ran at that size. I hit the 250 pound mark a couple months ago but I haven't started running yet because hi, summer in Kentucky is freaking hot and want to give this running thing the best chance to endear itself to me. I had wanted to hit 250 by my birthday. I beat that goal so I was really happy about it.

And now here I am having lost 150+ pounds and I'm not feeling that great about it today. Jesus on ice and Mary in the penalty box I sound like a whine don't I? "Boo hoo me I've lost 152 pounds but still weigh well over 200 and need to lose almost 60 pounds more to meet some mythical goal weight."

Maybe if I break this goal weight thing out into the open it'll help. The goal weight that I gave weight watchers was 180. Where did that number come from? Some vague recollection of weighing 176 in high school. But see I think that's a false memory because in that memory I was 176 and wore size 16. I said hello to size 18 a little while ago and I'm, come on do the math, well above that now. Fine, 58 pounds above that.

When I gave weight watchers that goal weight I didn't think there was any chance in hell of reaching it. I just didn't think my body would go that low from where it was. All I wanted in terms of a personally measurable weight goal was to be a size 18 and from my false memory math I thought that would be around the 195-200 pound mark. Now I'm size 18 and weigh 228 pounds. My fuzzy math was off by nearly 30 pounds.

So now I have this crazy intense drive to weigh less than 200 pounds. I know the number is arbitrary. Will I be just as healthy at 204 as I am at 198? I'd say yes. But that doesn't change the way I feel. But the really funny part is the weird rationalizations going on in my head. It's something like "oh I really wish I could get to 180 but I can't so I'll be happy to get to 195. But I have to get to 195." Bitch please. What's going to happen if you don't get to 195. Where is this coming from, what idea have you bought into? I'd like to blame the BMI index for telling me that I'll be overweight unless I get to 173. I used to say and mean things like "I'm always going to be big, it's the way I'm built. I just want to be healthy." I really meant it when I said those things and I want to mean them now. And I think I do mean it on most days. I honestly think there is a point where my body is going to be like "I'm good here" and my mind is going to be like "I don't need to starve myself or exercise like mad just to get below this weight. I'm good here too." I think that weight is going to be somewhere in the 190-205 range. You know how fuzzy I am at math though so I could be wrong about those numbers.

All of this was a a very long drawn out, navel gazing way of saying I've lost 152 pounds but recently I've become a little too obsessed with numbers instead of thinking about health. To deal with that a little bit I'm buying new running shoes this weekend (my current ones were shot 120 miles ago), I'm going to buy an iPod shuffle next weekend (the Apple store here opens next weekend and also there is some kind of iPod announcement coming from Apple on Wednesday) and I'm going to start the Couch to 5K program in earnest. My goal, concrete really hope I reach it goal, is to run a 5K by the end of calendar year 2007. That may be a little too ambitious and I may fail but that's the goal.

I was reading the Freakonomics blog today on the issue of "the obesity epidemic" It's got a few experts giving their opinions on obesity and then lots of commenters ringing in. I don't have any deep analysis of it or strong opinions on the piece. What I do have are some interesting numbers. After reading the piece and some of the commenters take on BMI I decided to see where I currently fall on the BMI range and how far I've got to go to be considered normal.

Just so we're all on the same page: I'm 5'10" tall and I've lost just about 150 pounds. I am currently considered obese. There doesn't seem to be a BMI category for morbidly obese but I was clearly morbidly obese before. Now, 150 pounds lighter I'm considered obese. Just plain old obese. I'm not really surprised to be still considered obese I guess, but I think secretly I was hoping to now be in the overweight range. That's such a funny phrase "hoping to now be in the overweight range." Anyway.

I need to lose 21 more pounds before I'm considered just overweight. That would be me at about 171 lost. OK great. Hmm.

To be considered normal, weight wise anyway, I need to lose 57 more pounds. I haven't had very many moments of despair or real self-doubt during my whole weight loss/healthy lifestyle journey but for a second there I really had one after seeing that 57 pound figure. 57 more pounds just to break the overweight mark? Damn. Let me tell you, there is no way I'm losing 57 more pounds. Realistically I think I'm going to lose another 30-45 pounds. The 45 pound loss is like the pie in the sky figure that if I were to reach would be awesome but really it's ok if I don't. The 30 pound number is where I really want to reach no matter what. If I lose 35 more pounds I'll be really, really pleased and think that I'll look good and be at a healthy weight.

Believe me when I tell you that I would have to starve myself and work out like a mad, mad woman to lose 57 more pounds. It ain't happening.

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I'm getting ready to start training for a 5K. When I first started exercising I ran a tiny, tiny, tiny little bit. My massive body couldn't take anymore than that. B actually really didn't want me to run at all though because of all that weight pounding my joints. So I stopped running completely and we agreed that I could try running again when I got below 250 pounds. I'm well below 250 at this point but it's been really hot this summer and we don't currently have a treadmill so running has been on hold. Fall is coming (even though it's 102 here today I can feel fall coming) and I'm inspired by Kyle's 5K success. So training commencing shortly. I mention this in the BMI post because I wonder what my body will be like if running "takes" with me. If I become the kind of person that runs 30 miles a week (in addition to the 25-30 miles per walk I currently walk) on a regular basis what will my body be like? Will I be tall and skinny like my friend Chad? Will I be leaner than I imagine I can be? Or will I just have the same body type and general shape that I've had since I hit puberty? Will I be a fat chick who runs?

Chances are of course that running won't "take" with me but damn if I'm not ready and excited to try it.

I haven't worn a sleeveless shirt in about 15 years. Seriously. Up until a month or so again I didn't own one. A little over a month ago I bought a sleeveless shell to wear under the shirt I was wearing to my brother's wedding. On the way home from the wedding (outdoor, afternoon wedding in Kentucky in the summer, go figure I was hot) I stripped off the overshirt and let the breeze tickle my bare arms. Taking only a small amount of dramatic license I'll say it was a revelation. It felt so good to have bare arms. So good. But my arms are so flabby I said, I could never have bare arms in public. A few weeks later I went to Avenue and tried on a dress that I loved. Love, loved, loved it. Loved the way it looked on me too. But again I said my arms are so flabby. I could never wear this dress, with my bare arms in public. So I didn't buy it. I regret that now.

I don't know exactly where this small burst of self-confidence has come from. But this shirt was handed down to me and I decided I really liked it and I wanted to wear it. I put it on and cringed at the way my bare arms look. I made a muscle and looked at my nice bicep and saw all the flab that hangs from where my tricep muscles supposedly live. I thought long and hard about taking the shirt off but I didn't. I wore it out to breakfast this morning with some friends. No one pointed and laughing, small children didn't run away in horror and fear, no one stared at the blindingly white, flabby portion of my arm and after a few minutes my self-consciousness went away.

I can't describe how great of a feeling this is. This is what people in the program that shan't be named refer to as a non-scale victory. This must sound so silly to people who don't have flabby arms or who have never been morbidly obese. Don't care though. It's a big deal for me because I'm working through some of my own internal "fear of fat issues." I mean is there a head in a box somewhere that comes out to declare that women's arms are too flabby to be in seen in public because my god people think of the children! I'm pretty sure no such thing exists so I feel secure in saying that no arms are too flabby to be seen in public. You know why? Because arms are arms! Fat, muscular, thin, flabby, doesn't matter they're all arms. My arms are not too flabby to be seen in public, they're just fine. Just fine I say. And today I really believe that. Ask me next week and we'll see if I still believe it.

Gastric bypass has been all over the place these days. First there was Star Jones "shocking" confession that she'd had gastric bypass then the story of a very young woman who died because of gastric bypass gone wrong hit the internet, and finally there's the 12 year old who had lapband surgery. Today the topic came to my house. This morning my grandparents came to visit. I was just at their house on Sunday and while there I saw a cousin I hadn't seen since last Christmas. He mentioned my weight loss but I wasn't interested in discussing it with him at the time. This morning my grandma told me that he called her on Monday and wanted to know "has Michelle been on a serious diet or did she have that gastric surgery." I told my grandmother that I hoped she lied and said "she suffered from a tropical illness that made her deathly ill and thus unable to consume food for the past year." My grandmother of course told no such lie. I don't know what she told him though because I changed the subject immediately.

I changed the subject for two reasons, well one reason, being infuriated, with two causes. I was infuriated that he truly believes the only two choices for losing weight are "serious" dieting or gastric bypass surgery. Healthy eating and exercise don't even enter the equation in his mind. Second I was infuriated with myself for being insulted that someone suggested that I'd had gastric bypass surgery. There are moments when you have to recognize shitty behaviors/feelings in your self and this was one of those for me. I was insulted that he'd think I'd have gastric bypass surgery and thus that I was weak. Yep, I said weak. Do I really think people that have gastric bypass surgery are weak? No, but in that moment I did. In that moment I felt very superior because I've lost my weight "the right way." I'm not proud of myself for that moment but I'm owning up to it. A friend of mine recently wrote a "confession of shame" apologizing for some behavior he'd exhibited but felt quite sorry for shortly after and it stuck with me. So I'm confessing my shame over being judgmental of those who've had or will have gastric bypass surgery and feeling superior because of the healthy and weight accomplishments I've made over the past year.

If I'm truly honest though I'll admit that it's not just in that one moment that I've thought about gastric bypass patients negatively. That's ironic though because if 18 months ago I'd have had the money I would have seriously considered gastric bypass surgery. I remember during that time frame thinking about gastric bypass because I was so miserable and couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel in terms of my weight. So given that little tidbit who in the world am I to judge anybody? No one. I'm in no place to judge so I'm trying to keep myself in check. But it's hard to suppress these little thoughts and feelings that bubble up, seemingly from nowhere. It's hard to feel proud of your accomplishments and not begrudge someone else who has achieved the same things but with different, and seemingly easier methods.

Imagine there are two people in my brain. Go on just imagine for a second. Got it? Good. Ok person one was narrating the last paragraph and person two just yelled "Gothcha!" as soon as person one finished that sentence about easier methods. Why gothca? Because I say all the time that this year of healthy eating and living has been much, much easier than I expected it to be. Once I was committed to living a healthy lifestyle things just kind of fell into place. Obviously there have been days when I didn't want to walk or go to the gym or days when I wanted to eat 3 double cheeseburgers but the vast majority of days have been easy. I don't miss eating meat at home, I don't miss going to McDonald's, I don't feel like I'm missing out on something when I eat tasty, healthy vegetarian food. I like living my healthy lifestyle. I enjoy the food and the exercise and the whole thing. Also, I really enjoy Coke Zero.

Have you read about how gastric bypass patients have to eat post op? Have you heard how they can't have carbonated beverages? Have you heard about all the protein? They put lean protein in shakes and puddings for goodness sake. So is that easier than eating lots of great healthy foods washed down with Coke Zero? No. Is that easier than cooking or baking and eating what you want without having to worry about making yourself sick on a regular basis? No. Is having the potential for all kinds of surgical complications easier? No. Is all that quicker? Yes, definitely quicker, but easier, no.

Maybe writing all this out will help me be less judgmental of the "healthier by gastric bypass" set (I'm trying to build up emphasis on health and lessen the sole emphasis on weight loss every freaking where). It probably won't. I confess that I'm a wicked judgmental person by nature. But I'm trying. I get some credit for that right?

So I've been on The Plan since July, actively weighing myself weekly since August and exercising very regularly since August as well and I've lost 53 pounds. Since my starting point was so high I've still got a long way to go but this is good progress and I'm pleased with how far I've come. I still don't find The Plan restrictive or hard and whether I like to exercise or not I still hit the gym 3 times a week and still walk at least 2 miles a day in addition to that (ask me about the dog stroller I know own).

A conversation today with George helped me firmly decide that yes I'm going to SXSWi. I'm nervous and excited. I hope I can keep up my progress with The Plan so that a) I'll be more comfortable on the plane (skinny seats and all) and b) that I'll feel a little bit better about myself. I'm not shy but I'm not terribly good in social situations either. I used to be but then somehow I lost a whole big chunk of my self-confidence.

One of the things that makes it so hard for fat women to start exercising is the fact that there are very, very few exercise clothes made for them. Women need strong sports bras, fabrics that breathe, aren't too baggy, don't cling. We need shorts and sweat pants, tshirts and tank tops, running pants and sweatshirts. Do you know how hard it is too find all those things in sizes that will fit large women? It's not easy. Even companies you think would have an interest in making customers of fat people who want to exercise, say athletic companies, don't make clothes for that demographic. Maybe they'll come around with Americans getting bigger and bigger but I'm not holding my breath. That's why I completely understand Laura's frustration with Nike.

Laura is a great fan of the Nike+ iPod running system. Based on that love she wanted to buy some Nike running clothes. She was horrified that Nike's idea of an XL sized shirt seemed more like a small and wouldn't fit her. She's lost 50 pounds (from 235), runs and practices a healthy lifestyle. Nike lost her sale with their skewed sizing and utter disregard for potential larger customers.

It's a classic Catch-22. You have to exercise to be fit and be smaller. But you have to be fit and smaller to fit into exercise clothes.

Luckily there are a few options for fat people in the market for exercise clothes. Sadly I really do mean few options, particularly if you want anything remotely fashionable.

Champion : Sports bras, sports tops, tshirts, pants and shorts. Champion is one athletic company that seems to "get it" and actually makes exercise clothes for plus sized women. Thank goodness for Champion. The clothes actually look, fit and feel like exercise clothes should.

Title Nine: Not an extensive collection for very large women but several sports bras will fit larger women. Excellent quality clothes.

Junonia: Made specifically for large women, Junonia is an entire store filled with the kind of clothes active plus size women need. Bras, tops, pants, shorts, tshirts, even bathing suits!