A couple weeks ago my rabbi told me he was going to start fining me if I didn't stop making self-deprecating remarks about myself. While I'm not sure he can actually make me pay up (good luck with that Reb) he does have a good point. I know that I often make at least self-deprecating if not downright disparaging comments about myself. I have a really hard time accepting credit and acknowledging that I've done something good or right. I am almost too humble or too modest to the point of it being a neurosis that is of course a symptom of my larger self-esteem issues.
In addition to trying to see the shehecheyanu moments in my life I've also been trying to remember and actually believe a couple things. The first is that within every human there resides a Divine spark, that we're all created in God's image and for that reason alone I have value and worth. The second is the Talmudic teaching on the importance of a single life: "For this reason man was created alone, to teach thee that whatsoever destroys a single soul...scripture imputes to him as though he had destroyed a complete world, and whosoever preserves a single soul...scripture ascribes to him as though he had preserved a complete world."
When you don't feel that you're a very valuable person it's hard to believe those two teachings are about you. I've got no problem believing they're about everyone else on earth but me? Not so much.
So today's daily reading from The Book of Jewish Values is particularly timely. The title of today's lesson is Don't Speak Lashon Hara About Yourself. I'm just going to quote the final paragraph here and highly, highly encourage you to buy this book no matter what your religious persuasion is. It's a great book.
"While it's good to be humble, the Chaffetz Chayyim's tale reminds us that being modest does not mean denying one's virtues or disparaging oneself. The Torah explicitly commands us to "love your neighbor as yourself", implicitly commands us to love ourselves. And just as you would not wish to hear others speaking ill of someone whom you love, so too should you not speak ill of someone you are supposed to love: yourself.
May you have a Shabbat Shalom!
I found this poem in the siddur yesterday and was like "Yes!" to pretty much every line. I'd love to have this done in some sweet calligraphy, letterpress or something cool like that, framed and hung in the office.
It's an adaptation of a piece called "I am a Jew" by Edmund Fleg.
It's an adaptation of a piece called "I am a Jew" by Edmund Fleg.
I Am a JewWhen someone asks me why I converted this is what I need to point them to.
I am a Jew because Judaism demands no abdication of my mind.
I am a Jew because Judaism asks every possible sacrifice of my soul.
I am a Jew because wherever there are tears and suffering the Jew weeps.
I am a Jew because whenever the cry of despair is heard the Jew hopes.
I am a Jew because the message of Judaism is the oldest and the newest.
I am a Jew because the promise of Judaism is a universal promise.
I am a Jew because, for the Jew, the world is not finished, human beings will complete it.
I am a Jew because, for the Jew, humanity is not fully created; people are creating it.
I am a Jew because Judaism places humanity above nations and above Judaism itself.
I am a Jew because, above humanity, Judaism places the oneness of God.
First, why has no one ever purchased the "Suck it Trebek" t-shirt for me? That fact wounds me deeply. Moving on.
Several weeks ago, in the thick of my....thing....I decided that I had to get a job. Financial worries, not feeling intellectual stimulated, being isolated because I work alone all day and not feeling that I've achieved any real level of professional success all contribute in their own way to my low self esteem and my feelings that I'm just kind of pointless.
I'm not in the thick of the thing any more and I'm still resolved to get a job. As my joking title references this is a huge, huge change. I've done the freelance thing for the better part of my adult life. I've had day gigs here and there but by and large hanging out a shingle has been the way I've done things.
Now I feel that I need to get a job and but I also want to get a job. I want to not be so isolated day after day, I want more intellectual stimulation than my current work has been giving me, I want more consistent cash flow and a slightly larger income and I want to feel that the work I'm doing is having some kind of impact.
A couple months ago a really smart, successful young man (he's like 25, he sickens me with his accomplishments at this age) invited me to come chat about his latest project. I was intrigued. Through my work, my involvement with Social Media Club Louisville and just my general around-town-ness I hear about a lot of projects and companies. The project he told me about caught my attention more than any other because it wasn't just another "cool internet project." I mean, it is, don't get me wrong, but I could actually see this project solving problems. I could actually see it making communications easier for organizations, I could see it actually make it much more feasible for communications people to get their bosses to buy into social media with this tool because it removes some of the barriers and provides so much data. In short I was smitten with the product. I came home from the meeting and told B about it. Told her how it was the first product I'd seen in a long time that I was geniuinely excited about because I could see so many potential applications for it for the kind of organizations and companies that I like to work with and help. At the time I remember thinking just kind of abstractly that "it'd be cool to work for this company."
Fast foward to a few weeks ago. The whiz kid again invited me to come to his office and chat about his company. This time though he specifically wanted to talk about a potential position in his company for me. It was a very informal, let's just kick this idea around kind of meeting. I knew then that I wanted the job though. I thought about it a little bit but it wasn't 12 hours later that I emailed him and essentially said "let's see if we can't make this work."
So I'm going in later today to chat about the specifics in the hopes of, in fact, making this work. I hope they offer me a salary I can live with and some flex time options. I hope they respect my observance of shabbat and Jewish holidays. I hope they like my propensity for wearing nerd t-shirts and I hope I get to work on the really cool stuff they're doing. I hope I can help companies and organizations solve some of their communiation problems or make their communication systems better. I hope I can contribute in a meaningful way and add value both the people I'll potentially be working with and for. I hope that I can come home this afternoon and tell you that I'm employed.
If this falls through I'm going to be really sad for a while but either way I'm still going to be looking for a job. I came to a huge, huge realization about myself and my business earlier this week that really solidified in my mind the desire for outside employement. Again, I really, really want this job but if it falls through I'm going to start pounding the pavement. My "ok it's time to be depressed because I haven't found a job yet" deadline is September 1. I'm not putting too much pressure on myself.
Several weeks ago, in the thick of my....thing....I decided that I had to get a job. Financial worries, not feeling intellectual stimulated, being isolated because I work alone all day and not feeling that I've achieved any real level of professional success all contribute in their own way to my low self esteem and my feelings that I'm just kind of pointless.
I'm not in the thick of the thing any more and I'm still resolved to get a job. As my joking title references this is a huge, huge change. I've done the freelance thing for the better part of my adult life. I've had day gigs here and there but by and large hanging out a shingle has been the way I've done things.
Now I feel that I need to get a job and but I also want to get a job. I want to not be so isolated day after day, I want more intellectual stimulation than my current work has been giving me, I want more consistent cash flow and a slightly larger income and I want to feel that the work I'm doing is having some kind of impact.
A couple months ago a really smart, successful young man (he's like 25, he sickens me with his accomplishments at this age) invited me to come chat about his latest project. I was intrigued. Through my work, my involvement with Social Media Club Louisville and just my general around-town-ness I hear about a lot of projects and companies. The project he told me about caught my attention more than any other because it wasn't just another "cool internet project." I mean, it is, don't get me wrong, but I could actually see this project solving problems. I could actually see it making communications easier for organizations, I could see it actually make it much more feasible for communications people to get their bosses to buy into social media with this tool because it removes some of the barriers and provides so much data. In short I was smitten with the product. I came home from the meeting and told B about it. Told her how it was the first product I'd seen in a long time that I was geniuinely excited about because I could see so many potential applications for it for the kind of organizations and companies that I like to work with and help. At the time I remember thinking just kind of abstractly that "it'd be cool to work for this company."
Fast foward to a few weeks ago. The whiz kid again invited me to come to his office and chat about his company. This time though he specifically wanted to talk about a potential position in his company for me. It was a very informal, let's just kick this idea around kind of meeting. I knew then that I wanted the job though. I thought about it a little bit but it wasn't 12 hours later that I emailed him and essentially said "let's see if we can't make this work."
So I'm going in later today to chat about the specifics in the hopes of, in fact, making this work. I hope they offer me a salary I can live with and some flex time options. I hope they respect my observance of shabbat and Jewish holidays. I hope they like my propensity for wearing nerd t-shirts and I hope I get to work on the really cool stuff they're doing. I hope I can help companies and organizations solve some of their communiation problems or make their communication systems better. I hope I can contribute in a meaningful way and add value both the people I'll potentially be working with and for. I hope that I can come home this afternoon and tell you that I'm employed.
If this falls through I'm going to be really sad for a while but either way I'm still going to be looking for a job. I came to a huge, huge realization about myself and my business earlier this week that really solidified in my mind the desire for outside employement. Again, I really, really want this job but if it falls through I'm going to start pounding the pavement. My "ok it's time to be depressed because I haven't found a job yet" deadline is September 1. I'm not putting too much pressure on myself.
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