This is me trying to be positive and not lose my ever loving mind at this powerless nonsense.

1. Coming from a farm family and therefore being able to borrow a generator.

2. Douglass Loop never losing power meaning Breadworks and Heine Brothers have both been able to supply my coffee needs.

3. Aforementioned generator allowing me the power to backup all the data from the wedding I shot on Sunday.

4. Weather is absolutely perfect in Louisville today.

5. Fried apples my aunt made for me yesterday when I went to her house to do laundry.

6. Cable working so limited working from home during the day and limited tv watching at night is possible thanks to the generator. 

My Cousin: Daddy how will I know what to do if you aren't here to tell me what to do?

My Uncle: You'll tell yourself, you'll figure it out.

My Cousin: What if I do it wrong?

My Uncle: Back up and do it again.

- conversation two days before my uncle died.

My uncle was a simple man. He was a farmer who held "public jobs" throughout his life as well. At the time of his death on August 29 he had been for many years the beloved custodian at an elementary school. He was a good man, a funny man and a much beloved man.

I went home last Saturday to visit him and my aunt because he'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Prognosis ranged from weeks to months. No one suspect that as of last Saturday he had less than a week to live. That evening he was taken to the emergency room because he'd developed pneumonia. He'd never return home.

When I was a little girl my aunt and my grandmother took such care of me and gave me so much love I should never have a moment of self-doubt of low self esteem in my life. They gave me so much love it should last two lifetimes. So seeing my aunt's heart break so much now is about to kill me. I wanted and want nothing more than to be there taking care of her. There is unfortunately still work to be done and my life in Louisville. So staying on the farm with her indefinitely is not an option and it's killing me to be back in Louisville.

It's almost like I'm a different person down there. Maybe I like that person better, I'm not sure. So for, I guess, two weeks now I've been straddling two different locations, two different versions of myself and two different worlds. The farm and the community really are a different world from the world I normally inhabit. I'm sure this feeling will pass but right now I desperately want to be back there and be an actual part of that world and community.

I spent 3 nights and 4 days in the hospital with the family. They were long, hard days for everyone. After my uncle died I spent 4 days with the family as well. Those 8 days were full of new, heart breaking experiences that I suspect may have left me profoundly changed. Though my aunt's two sons are good men who would do anything in the world for her our relationship is special and she leaned on me during my uncle's hospitalization and the time leading to the funeral. Of course it helps that I don't have any children of my own who also need my attention like her sons do.

In any case I did things for my aunt that were unlike things I've done before and I find myself replaying them over and over trying to figure out if I did them right. I stayed awake at night to give my uncle sips of water and adjust his oxygen mask so my aunt and cousin could try to sleep in the hospital recliner and on the floor. I made sure my aunt ate whatever hospital food she could stomach and made my dad bring in a steady supply of hash browns for us since that seemed to be what she and I both like to eat best during times of stress. I demanded the medication for my uncle that he should have been giving without my request. I thanked the amazing nurses with all the sincerity in my heart. 

I drove my aunt back and forth to the funeral home and slept with her at night after visitation. I tried to make sure that during the steady stream of people visiting (at least 1000 people came to the funeral home) she ate and drank and didn't get too overwhelmed. The most trying day was of course the day of the funeral. She and I were alone at the house together and pretty much got ready in silence. The night before the funeral, right before we went to sleep she'd cried and said she knew that the day of the funeral was really going to cement that fact that he was never coming home. We drove together alone to the funeral home and she said it was all like a dream. The school where my uncle had been custodian is on the way to the funeral home and we, once again, looked at the flag the school was flying at half staff in honor of him.

Quite unexpected to me it was decided I would drive my aunt from the funeral home to the cemetery. I cannot describe the experience of being the lead car in a funeral processional, directly behind the hearse, driving my newly widowed aunt to bury her husband. Again, I suspect I am profoundly changed.

I wish I had something deeper and more meaningful to say about all this but I don't. I guess I just wanted to write somethings down because I had honestly forgotten what a broken heart felt like. This experience taught me many things about myself, my family and my relationship. Not all of them are good things and I'm really having trouble moving forward today. I know that time helps and in a few weeks I'll probably be back to myself but today is hard and I can't steer my heart and mind away from where they want to focus their energy.

The Curse of the Golden Flower: Tragic, beautiful action

Evening: Cast completely wasted

El Cantante: What a jerk

Mama Mia: Though musical, adorable

Volver: Completely beloved awesomeness