The L Word Season 3 Week 2

Week two finds Jenny still being crazy, Bette being whiny, Tina scooting toward being straight again, Alice still being a psycho stalker, Shane dressing like a girly girl, Kit being frustrated with her son's homophobia, Dana is avoiding having a lump in her breast checked out and Helena still somehow inexplicable being on this show. I could just let that one sentence serve as the recap but the crazy-making stuff is in the details, so onward.

- Kit hires nancy boy Billie Blaikie (Alan Cummings) to run a party at the Planet and he does such a brilliant, over the top queen job that she eventually hires him to manage the place. Well actually I think she hired him to manage the Planet just to piss of her homophobic son David but the Vegas style party he threw was pretty good. Though god knows I could have done without seeing him in assless chaps.

- Alice has joined a love addicts group. She's an "OLA" obsessive love addict. No shit Sherlock. She tells the group that her birthday is coming up and it'd be just swell if Dana would give her a present and also she's knows that Dana will come back to her someday soon because they had like the best sex ever and nobody can stay away from sex like that for long. To help Alice along with the Dana recovery Helena hires a lesbian cleaning service to spruce up Alice's apartment. The cleaning lady and Helena were both quite disturbed by Alice's shrine and life size cut out of Dana. Alice like the true psycho stalker she is refuses to let Helena throw out the cardboard. Helena has had enough of all the nonsense and steers Alice toward truly clearing Dana out of her system once and for all. Apparently the way to cleanse your self of your ex is to take all of your sex toys (a big ass box full) and dump them on the table in the coffee shop where your ex and her current girlfriend are hanging out. Speaking of Dana and Lara (or is it Laura?), last week during sex or couch fondling or something Lara (or is it Laura?) discovered a lump in Dana's breast. She made an appointment for Dana with a hard-to-get-an appointment with doctor which Dana blew off. Lara is concerned and insists that Dana see someone. Dana says she thinks Tina and Bette have a lady doctor that she can go see. I predict that next week Dana will have a biopsy, the week after she'll be diagnosed with breast cancer and by episode 10 she'll be dying. I think that would explain the influx of new regular characters this year (Helena still being around, and Moira the new butch chick). Normally I'd find this storyline tiresome but breast cancer is a serious issue in the lesbian community so I can't complain at all about The L Word talking about it. Jesus H Christ on a pogo stick, I was kind to the show for a minute. Shut my mouth and move on.

- The award for dumbest fucking lesbian couple on the planet goes to Jenny & Moira. While Moira is driving them cross country (on a fucking country road because apparently they can't find the freaking interstate) and Jenny decides she wants to go down on her. Let's forget how unsafe that is for a moment and instead point out that you can't do a proper job in that scenario and you're just going to leave the recipient unfulfilled which is just not nice to do. In addition the Moira's big ass pickup truck runs out of gas during the action. Two lesbians, driving cross country, off interstate, can't pay enough attention to the goddamn gas gauge to make sure they don't run out? Blah, blah, blah somebody finally helps them, they go into a small town and Moira is accosted for using the women's restroom. Because of course nobody in middle America has ever seen a freaking tomboy. I know everyone is talking about how great it is that The L Word finally has a really butch character and all but from where I'm sitting she looks like a pretty average tomboy. She's not particularly androgynous and gender confusing. So the fact that her using the restroom in broad daylight turned out to be the catalyst for an attempted gay bashing that led to Jenny tazering (is that a word?) the potential assailant seems more than a little heavy handed. Of course heavy handed is the flavor of the day. I mean of course a butch lesbian must drive a pickup truck (rolling my eyes here people) but Moira can't drive just any old pickup truck. No, she's driving one of the biggest fucking pickup trucks on the market. No one ever accused The L Word with being subtle with characterizations or stereotypes. There is more to this storyline but I'm bored now. So lightning round style: Jenny says she's not Moira's girlfriend but then gets jealous when Moira hits on someone else at a bar, so maybe possibly they're together now, and the chick playing Moira really isn't that great of an actress.

- The award for the second dumbest lesbian couple on the planet goes to Bette and Tina. They con David (yes that homophobic David) into being present for the second home visit with the cranky ass social worker. Meaning they lure him over and don't tell him that they plan to ambush him with their need for him to be the straight man in Angelica's life, right before the social worker arrives. The plan more than blows up in their faces when the oh so Canadian actor playing David rambles on, in front of the social worker, about how he doesn't believe in gay adoption, how Angelica is going to suffer in Bette and Tina's care and blah, blah, blah. Of course since Tina spends the end of the episode having cyber sex with a man (ew) I guess they have to give back their award for the second dumbest lesbian couple on the planet. As I mentioned before, if someone had to decide they wanted men I'm glad it's Tina since she was not a self-identified lesbian before hooking up with Bette. However I'm still waiting for the day that one of the Desperate Housewives (or take your pick on any other straight soap) decides she just really can't hide her attraction to women any longer.

Previews for next week show Tina considering going to work for Helena at her new movie studio. Bette doesn't like the plan but Tina says somebody in their family has to make money since Tina has been unemployed and trying to follow her passion since she got fired at the end of last season.

- Shane is still hanging out with Carmen's family. For the quincenero they dress Shane up in a dress, girly shoes and hair extensions (it makes the actress look quite like she did in that episode of Law and Order SVU where she played a transsexual). They also make Shane dance with Luis, a short little man who asks Shane to tell Carmen how much he loves her. Apparently Luis has been loving Carmen since grade school and since Shane is Carmen's "best friend" can't she just convince Carmen that he'd be good to her and always love her? Pretty please and thank you. Of course Carmen really isn't being subtle about how she wants to sleep with Shane all the time. Eventually the family is going to catch on and it's going to be insanely ugly.

Until that point though Shane and Carmen are living together and have the place to themselves while Jenny is off being cross-country crazy. So the living room/kitchen serves as a perfect place for a little strip tease act by Carmen after the quincenero. Carmen is just insanely hot. Particularly in all the girly girl lingerie she was rocking. Black bra, black panties, garters, the whole nine. But of course her dancing and disrobing was disturbed by Jenny calling. That's just cold people. Hotness interrupted by the craziness just isn't right.

So look for Dana to die, Tina and Bette to break up again, Tina to be with a guy, Jenny to continue being crazy and Carmen to be shunned by her family. Those are my season 3 predictions thus far.