The L Word Season 3 Week 5

Got to bed late because of the Super Bowl madness, was irritated as fuck by my girlfriend who was irritated as fuck by The L Word and then I couldn't sleep. That explains why this recap is a bit later than usual but let's move forward and put on happy face.

- Dana is so going to die. The doctor told her she had a specific type of cancer (which I of course cannot recall the name of) and my doctor girl said "Oh that's bad. Seriously aggressive." So she's going in very soon for a mastectomy and as expected she's very distraught. Though she seems more distraught over not being able to play tennis than possibly not living (which she's so not going to do). She tells the group that she's having a lumpectomy and does not let them know at all how bad the diagnosis is. She leaves that burden on Lara alone. They both struggle with what lies before them. The night before the mastectomy Dana is obsessed with the breast she's about to lose and wants to have sex one more time with her body as it is. She breaks down into tears in the middle, which I've got to say I'd find terribly distracting. I know that's the wrong thing to say but seriously, I wouldn't be able to concentrate with my partner bawling her eyes out and not responding to anything I was doing but Lara has concentration like you wouldn't believe.

- Bette finds out that Tina's been having cyber sex (do people even use that term anymore?). I seem to kind of glaze over when the two of them are on the screen so Bette very well may have confronted Tina and Tina very well may have come up with some lame cover story but eventually she breaks down crying, confesses to the internet sex nonsense and tells Bette she's got lots of feelings for men. This is of course between Tina flirting with a man at work, Bette trying to find herself in Buddhism and the two of them constantly arguing about money, Angelica, Bette's possible job in NYand everything else.

- Alice and Helena hit Bisexual Speed Dating at the Planet (another Billie production) where Alice meets Uta, a lesbian vamipirologist. This storyline exists only for comic relief and to give Alice something to do besides be a psycho stalker. It succeeded on both counts. Alice becomes quite concerned that Uta is actually a vampire when they go to Uta's lair house for sex and it's complete with red walls, heavy drapes for blocking out light, chain and shackles, candles and very dark, red wine. But she forgets about that concern when the sex becomes really, really good. I don't fault her on that count.

- Helena is still into the documentary filmmaker (Dylan) who is supposedly straight and definitely has a boyfriend. Those are of course merely details to Helena. Apparently they're details to Dylan too since she and Helena make out pretty hot and heavy and are looking to take the next step when the boyfriend calls out from another room and chills them the fuck out. Now, I've known a few straight girls in my day but none of them ever made out with me like that while their boyfriends where in the next room. I blame it all on the fact that I don't own a movie studio. Woe is me.

- Kit and Mangus are setup by Billie at the speed dating nonsense and they're going to fuck in Bette and Tina's bed next week. That's just gross and disrespectful. I know it's a soap opera but come on. Respect people's beds! I can't even discuss these two anymore, just ew.

- Moira goes to a job interview wearing a men's suit and is described unfuckingbelievably as "neither fish nor foul" by the interviewer and asked what team she bats for. Jenny seems to have a new, positive attitude about the Moira/Max issue and helps Moira go out for a night on the town as Max which includes binding and packing. There's more here but I'm bored with all this. I just want to get to Shane and Carmen.

- Carmen has fucking had it with Jenny and Moira being slobs and throws, what we in the South like to call, a hissy fit or possibly even a conniption. Moira is taken aback and says "we were going to clean it up" but I'm a wee bit skeptical since they haven't picked up a damn thing since arriving from their cross country journey in the Truck of Epic Butchness. Later, after her skeezy job interview, Moira scrubs the floor on her hands and knees. I hate that fucking shit. Can we say goddamn overcompensation? You don't have to scrub the floor on your hands and knees but you do need to keep your funyons off the floor and wash the dirty dishes so you don't attract bugs. I mean come on, Carmen hates your ass cause you can't throw your empty beer bottles away, you think scrubbing the floor is going make her hug up on you? Well it's not you nasty ass, no cleaning up people because as soon as you forget she's mad at you you're going to make another mess. And no, I don't have any issues on this topic, why the fuck do you ask?

Shane by the way does not support Carmen's freakout which is unfortunate since on Carmen's good side is where she needs to be when Rosanna Arquette shows back up. Rosanne is Cherie Jaffe, also known by her maiden name now that she's she divorced the husband and took half his money, and also known as Shane's kryptonite. She's booked an appointment with Shane under the maiden name so Shane is pretty surprised when she comes walking in. Leaving no room for mistaking what she wants she prances around like a cat in heat and Shane is really not bothered with it and is totally enjoying it more than she should since she has a girlfriend. And because this show is so completely heavy handed Carmen walks in just as Shane looks like she's enjoying Cherie's flirtation as much as possible. Carmen freaks the fuck out (sensing a theme?) and tells Shane to act like she has a girlfriend. I'm guessing by "act like you have a girlfriend" she doesn't mean continue the flirtation with Cherie and then later show up at her house and go at it in and around the pool. It's a shame that's not what she meant since that's exactly what Shane did.

Now, I love older women. Love them. You'll recall how pleased I was with Pam Grier’s presence on this show. You might also recall how much I love Sela Ward (words cannot adequately describe how much) and other women in her age bracket. I mention this so it's clear that age is not a factor in the following statement: Carmen is hot like fire, Cherie is not. So not. For someone who has fucked around so much Shane sure has bad taste in choosing the "sex partner to fuck up your relationship with" department. Seriously.

I should mention that Shane didn't go directly from fighting with Carmen to fucking Cherie. She went to the party at Wax (the name of the skate complex/hair salon) where Carmen was spinning and flirting with everything under the sun. So just so we're clear, Shane and Carmen fight because Shane is flirting with her ex. Carmen then retaliates by flirting with other people. Shane then retaliates for the retaliation by fucking said ex. Nice. Very nice.

Next week's previews indicate that Bette will tell Tina to go fuck men if that's what she needs to do but to not be sure that Bette would still be waiting for her, Carmen's going to spray Shane with a fire extinguisher because apparently that's the appropriate punishment for lesbian infidelity. Dana gets a step closer to her inevitable death and there is of course also the previously mentioned "ew" between Kit and Mangus in Bette and Tina's bed.