The L Word Season 5 Weeks One and Two

There's more about Jenny that I'll get to in a minute but it's making my head hurt to talk about her so let's move on. The show has decided to put reality completely on the other side of the world from Shane and Helena. Strangely I'm ok with this move. It's making me like both characters a great deal more than I did last season. Helena's non-reality finds her in jail. Yes jail. She stole some money or that floozy she was shacking up with last season stole some money, or something. A big chunk of somebody's money is gone, Helena knows where it as and she's not talking so up in the pokey she sits. Instead of a big butch mama with attitude up in the cell with her she's got a quiet, exceptionally strong and fit bad ass. The only problem with this story line is that last night, in episode two, they had a prison shower scene that was so not the women's prison shower scene of anyone's fantasy. I'd like to stricken that scene forever from my mind cause the pain is searing thinking about it even now. And oh yeah Helena's rich mommy is just letting her sit in jail. Previews indicate she shows up next week though.

Shane's distance from reality isn't too much more of a stretch than most of her storylines have been over the years. That is to say that every single woman Shane encounters instantly wants to jump Shane. Actual sexual orientation be damned. This is ok because they're doing it in a pretty tongue and cheek style, so much so that's it kind of like porn. They should really just start playing cheesy porn music whenever Shane is on screen. Seriously, in last night's episode alone Shane got it on with two sisters, and their mother. Luckily for us it was only with one person at a time. And oh yeah, the sisters and the mother? The daughters and wife of Jenny's patron/film financier. Shane's doing freelance hair now because after getting caught screwing around on the chick she was dating at the end of last season her place of business was set ablaze by an arsonist. So when film financier's third daughter needed a last minute hair stylist for her wedding Jenny put Shane on the job. Just to make sure you're paying attention that means that the bride's mother and the bride's two sisters both knocked boots with Shane at the wedding. See what I mean about just needing to embrace the porn factor of it all?

Tina and Bette are currently amicably apart. Bette is still dating the fantabulous Marlee Matlin. That relationship isn't long for this world though because Bette and Tina look like they're ready to hop into bed with each other about half the time they're onscreen together. The other half of the time they're just boring. This leads to Tina having dreadful first dates where she does nothing but talk about either Bette or their child. That actually sounds remarkably like the first date my father had with my stepmother and yet somehow she married him. So maybe there's hope for Tina and someone else yet.

Alice is head over heels for her "soldier girl" Tasha. This being the most heavy handed show on earth means that naturally Tasha is being investigated for being gay in the military. And since Alice is the single worst fictional character ever at keeping secrets/playing it cool I predict that Alice will pull some stupid shit that will irrevocably screw up Tasha's hopes of staying in the military.

Bored now. So remaining "important" points in the form of a list:

1. The screen time that formerly belonged to Bette and Angus is now split between Kit and Phylis. Too damn bad I don't mean that in a Pam Grier/Cybil Shepard hookup kind of way. No, instead Kit is alone after kicking the cheating Angus to the curb and Phylis is finding her feet in the brave new lesbian world she's come out into. Best line of last night was Bette speaking to Phylis "Then break up with her again. You have to break up with some lesbians more than once."

2. Max didn't/isn't going to have surgery. He's secure enough in his masculinity to keep his girl parts. I think we can all thank the Truck of Epic Butchness that we never see anymore for this supposed masculine security.

3. A very quiet, meek, poor character who looks at Jenny as a role model was introduced last night. I'm so hoping/praying/rain dancing that it's going to turn into a single white female situation that finds new Mousy Girl stealing Jenny's life. Or she could just kill her. Either way works.

Previews show Shane taking a vow of celibacy and replacing it with exercise, Tina getting laid by someone other than Bette and Helena's mother showing up at the jail and Kit being robbed at gun point. If I was Pam Grier, at this point, I'd just ask to be voted off the island.