February 2008 Archives

1. I love office supply stores. A new Staples opened up in the neighborhood (finally an office supply store in the neighborhood!) and I love to wander the aisles and buy post it notes, photo mailers, printer paper, ink cartridges. Happiness is a well stocked office supply cabinet.

2. I've grown so bored with The L Word I can't even bring myself to write recaps. I'm sorry, I just can't.

3. I've been reading aloud to B from Wendell Berry's collection of stories, Fidelity. There's a reason so many people, when asked who their favorite Kentucky author is, say Wendell Berry. The stories in this collection are almost breathtakingly beautiful in their efficient but eloquent prose, reserved yet emotion filled, action packed and yet bordering on being described as stories where nothing much happens. Berry is brilliant.

The act of reading aloud to your partner is immensely satisfying. We sit or lie together and take in the stories. Occasionally we'll both giggle or gasp and when a story is complete we'll discuss it in detail. It's a wonderful experience to have a piece of fiction be equally as fresh in both person's mind when you discuss it.

4. I'm quite heartbroken that yet again I'm not going to SXSW. A year ago when finances forced me to cancel my trip to SXSW (including participating on a panel) I was more than certain I would be attending this year. I think I would get a great deal out of SXSW and it's that lost potential for knowledge, experiences, friendship making, networking and cultural exploration that hurts the most.

5. Willie Nelson's Teatro is one of the best albums ever produced. I've been listening to it a lot lately and its genius keeps revealing new layers of itself. As always I've also been listening to a lot of Van Morrison. It's interesting to me that as much as I love music I've been having a really, really hard time finding new music that really speaks to or connects with me. I can think of maybe 4 or 5 albums from the past few years that meet that definition. Maybe. Though the Adele record that was generously shared with me recently is getting more than a few spins.

Fingers crossed, Grace should be able to come home from the hospital tonight. That's very, very good news.

She was suffering from acute pancreatitis which is apparently relatively common in miniature poodles (and other small breeds) around her age. Hopefully this will be a one time occurrence and she'll never suffer from this again.

If you have a small dog let me warn you that pancreatitis is a bit hard to diagnose and Grace actually was misdiagnosed at first. There is no definitive test to diagnose it but standard bloodwork can indicate raised levels of something technical that I've forgotten the term of that pretty much indicates pancreatitis. Before the bloodwork was done the doctors thought Grace had perhaps hurt her back because of the obvious pain she was in and the hunched up posture she was exhibiting. Turns out, anecdotally, that the hunched up posture is pretty commonly exhibited with pancreatitis. Even when she's been hurt or sick in the past Grace has never exhibited that posture before so I should have known that it wasn't a traditional injury. In any case signs of pancreatitis that are pretty common and which Grace exhibited are: complete aversion to both food and water, obvious pain (whimpering, moaning), hunched up posture, inability to get comfortable at all in normal lying down positions (in fact Grace could only get relatively comfortable by sitting straight up), lethargic, and depressed and uninterested in anything.

The only lasting bad news about this situation is that our planned trip to San Diego in April is off the table. Grace's hospitalization has essentially cost the same amount as our San Diego trip would have. Though we could probably do it if we stretched things it would make the budget tighter than either B and I are comfortable with.

I'm really bummed that we're not getting to come to San Diego but my little dog is worth every penny I've got to say.

My little baby dog (who is not a baby at all, she's almost 7) is ill in the hospital and it is breaking my heart. The probable diagnosis is pancreatitis. There isn't a definitive test to confirm beyond a doubt that this is what she has but it's pretty likely (and its better than the second most likely diagnosis) and the treatment course she's on is using pancreatitis as the "working diagnosis."

She's been in the hospital since last night. She has a sensitive system and keeps getting sick from the various medicines she's on so she's really not getting the deep rest she needs. It's too early to have any prognosis and that's the most frustrating part of all. Not knowing how long she's going to be in the hospital, not knowing what other treatments she might need, not knowing if the pain is going to hit her again in such a horrible way is all terribly frustrating. 

I am such a blatant follower and I don't care. When I see a good idea I've no qualms about jumping on it, tweaking it for my own use and putting it into action. The most recent brilliant idea I'm co-opting for my own use is Ariel Stallings 52 Nights Unplugged. 

one night a week, I am going to completely unplug from anything with a screen. This means no internet, no sidekick, no watching dvds. I plan to focus instead on the other things I like doing like writing letters, crafting, organizing, dancing, going for walks, cooking and making tea, writing in my paper journal. I might also try picking up some new things to like such as watercolors, scrapbooking, mail art, dance classes, attending lit readings, etc. Regardless, one night a week I'm going to unplug.

Far more often than I would like B and I find ourselves on the couch at night each with a laptop or with one of us with a laptop and the other watching something mindless on tv, or one of us trying to read while the other watches something mindless on tv or some variation of these things. We've both been trying to read more (I've read 9 books so far this year) and have more peaceful evenings to help us unwind, decompress and move away from any stresses of the day. I think one night a week committed to staying away from both computers and television is a nice step toward that decompression goal.

Tonight is our first attempt at stepping away from the screens for an evening. I'm making curried egg salad with Romain hearts and roasted carrots and cauliflower for dinner and I'll be serving it with a 6-grain baguette and some fantastic herb butter. That meal is as far as I've planned the evening. I hope the evening includes starting a new book, a game or two of rummy, and something crafty or creative and perhaps a little work setting up a few things in my still life studio. Like Ariel, I'm a perpetual documenter so I wouldn't be surprised if I write about our adventures in screenlessness. Unlike Ariel I'm not committing to doing this for 52 weeks. I hope we enjoy it and do it on a regular basis but if it doesn't have the desired outcomes we're looking for we might try something different. I do like the idea of one night a week being dedicated to relaxation and us-ness. If that takes the form of one night a week without tv or laptops great, if it's one night a week that we dedicate to writing letters great, if it's one night a week that we spend as a date night that's great too. I'm open to bringing a little more enjoyment, a little more peace, a little more relaxation and a little more purposeful attention to our selves and our life in whatever forms work.

The way I dress has changed so much over the past two years it's astounding. A complete wardrobe change is a byproduct of losing 185 pounds (to date). None of my old clothes fit anymore but they also don't fit me anymore by and large. That is to say I've had a complete style makeover. Part of that comes from having a completely different body. I can wear things now that I couldn't fit into before, there are many more clothing options open to me. Another and perhaps larger part of this stylistic change comes from changes in my personality. I'm older, more settled and more aware of how I dress and why but also I'm much more comfortable with myself, both because I'm more comfortable with my body and because I'm much, much happier than I've been in many years.

Completely building a new wardrobe from scratch is a time and money consuming project. So I'm slowly building up my clothes collection and thinking about and developing my style of dress (I can't believe I just typed that sentence, how pretentious am I?). Having never been interested in clothes much before I'm really starting at the beginning here. Two things I do know though: first, I very much enjoy wearing skirts and dresses now. This is a shock to the system but I'm just going with it. Second, I will not now nor will I ever wear uncomfortable shoes. I'm not wearing anything pointy toed or high heeled. I want to wear comfortable cute shoes with swirly skirts like Amelie.

I can't pull off Amelie's cuteness but I may be able to rock some Docs with the new skirt I just bought the other day and cop some of her general style concepts.

The point of this rambling story is I need clothes and shoes and I still don't really know where to shop for them. Most of my recent clothes have been bought at J. Jill (I like this store), Eddie Bauer, and LL Bean. All pretty conservative places. I need to branch out, I just don't know where. The "hipper" shops here in town cater to women who are still much smaller than me. That is to say I still can't fit into there clothes for the most part, with the exception of Clay and Cotton, which I love. There have to be some good online stores, any suggestions? Also any suggestions for cute shoes to wear with skirts and non-jeans pants that don't force your feet into unnatural and uncomfortable positions? All information is appreciated please and thank you.

I took a great big giant leap away from politics after the Clinton impeachment fiasco. Prior to that I'd been as politically engaged as a young person could be. I'd also been a true believer. It's a cliché that I use far too often but there is no harder fall than the fall of a true believer. Clinton's rolling over for Don't Ask Don't Tell, DOMA and other issues caused minor cracks in my faith in him but lying under oath to the grand jury was what pushed me over the edge and away from politics. Simply put, I cared too much to get my heart broken in the political arena again and again and again so I disengaged. I've voted, I've had the occasional political discussion here and there but by and large I've remained politically disengaged. No candidate touched me or inspired me. No candidate made me believe that he or she could change things for the better or hell, could even get elected in the political climate of the day. Part of this was my fault though, I wasn't open to inspiration. I wasn't open to hope. It was a conscious decision on my part to stay on the outside of the political process other than my own personal vote.

I'm changing that now. After much thinking on the matter I've finally decided that I'll be voting for Barack Obama. Truthfully I figured I'd be voting for Obama by default. Meaning I'm not voting for Hillary Clinton so in the primary I'd be voting for Obama. I'm not voting for any of the Republican candidates so if Obama is the Democratic nominee I'd be voting for Obama. But of late I've been doing much more thinking about the campaign, the candidates and my relationship to politics. On a political level I've decided that I honestly think Obama is the best candidate for the job for a host of reasons. Not the least of which is that I think at this moment in time it would be better for the world, not just the United States to have this man of color leading our nation than a white woman or a white man. Is it wrong of me to say that? I don't know but it's my honest belief. For who knows how long the Middle East is the constant game changer in world politics and I think that even as a relative novice to world politics Obama can do more good in that part of the world than Hillary Clinton or John McCain could do. Does it suck that I think the Middle East, as a collective, will respond more positively toward Obama than it would toward Clinton purely on the basis of gender? Hell yeah it sucks, but that's the world we're living in. And it is the world, not just the United States, we're living in. Wanting to do good for both the United States and the world is a good thing I think.

Beyond the political though there is the personal and in the moments when I allow my guard to slip I realize that Obama makes me feel hopeful. I haven't felt hopeful about anyone or anything in politics in a very long time. I'm not naive enough to think that any politician can follow through on all of his or her promises. I'm not naive enough to think that being president really means you can do anything you want. I do think a president can be a leader. I think a president can set the tone for the country (I know George Bush sure did). I think a president can lead and guide the nation towards change and progress even if he or she can't implement that change all by his or herself. Do I agree with every one of Obama's positions? No. Do I think he has the ability to do some good in this country at large and for my life personally? Yes and that's more important to me than any single issue.

Some people I've discussed this with say that Obama doesn't have enough political experience and capital to get things done as well as Clinton would. To that I say that I'm happy to have an inspiring statesman, which I consider Obama to be, rather than an entrenched politician.

politician |ˌpäləˈti sh ən|
noun
a person who is professionally involved in politics, esp. as a holder of or a candidate for an elected office.
• a person who acts in a manipulative and devious way, typically to gain advancement within an organization.

statesman |ˈstātsmən|
noun ( pl. -men)
a skilled, experienced, and respected political leader or figure.

Changes in Kentucky's political climate (read: the hating of the gays) have us discussing the real possibility of not staying in Kentucky as long as we'd planned. If you know me at all then you know how this breaks my heart. With that in mind I'm taking any little bit of hope I can get and I'm clinging to it. Obama gives me hope.

I hope that the feeling of inspiration and hope I have about an Obama presidency trickles down to others as well. I hope young people can look at him and be optimistic that you don't have to be a white man to make it in this country. I hope people who are different in any myriad of ways look at him and can be a bit more proud of the differences and the diversity we have in this country.

So when I cast my vote for Obama it won't be by default. It won't be because he's not the other person. It will because of he is who is. It will be because he inspires hope in me. It will be because he's the person I want to be the next President of the United States of America.

Poster image courtesy of obey industries

I don't have it in my heart to do a full on L Word recap this week. Shane slept with one of the owners of SheBar, without the other (she slept with the one who was on General Hospital if you must know) thus setting up a full on lesbian version of the Sharks and the Jets with SheBar and The Planet being the home bases for each team. Jenny is still crazy, Mousy Girl is looking more and more likely to play out my Single White Female fantasy, Alice takes the very low road and outs the ball player after she'd signed a non-disclosure agreement for the party. I hope she gets sued. Did the guy deserve to be outed after he made horrible, hateful statements against gay people? Maybe but that doesn't make Alice's actions right. All I really wanted to see in this episode was more of Bette and Tina. Things are awkward between them since the kiss. Bette thinks they should talk about it and while Tina is clearly uncomfortable talking about it she agrees. They try to make a date to talk about it but schedules are crazy so Tina wisely says we'll just talk about it when we can, we'll talk about it when we talk about it.

Later Bette asks for Tina's advice in dealing with Jodi and the potential fallout from the student's gun stunt from last week. Tina gives great advice that Bette should support Jodi but let Jodi speak and stand up for herself. Later at a party thrown by Jenny Bette has an uncomfortable moment with the actress who'll be playing her in the Jenny's crazy movie. The actress is wicked and throws a lot of really mean questions towards Bette about why she chose to fuck up her very good life and relationship by sleeping with the plumber (that's the fiction version of Candace's carpenter). After storming off Bette confesses to Tina that she doesn't have any answers to the stupid actress's questions. At one point, I forget if it was during this scene or earlier Tina asks if Bette is in love with Jodi. Bette hesitates and then responds that yes she is, clearly lying. Bette leaves the party and goes home (which is just next door since the party is at Jenny and Shane's house). Tina proceeds to get really wasted and is fumbling with her cell phone, trying to call a cab when Jodi finds her and brings her back to Bette's house. It's a very well played moment, again I love it when Jennifer Beals has something to work with, when Bette watches her current lover taking care of the woman that could be the love of her life. Jodi gives Tina water and covers her up with a blanket as Tina slips into sleep on the couch. Bette is clearly torn up at this moment. Does she wish that Jodi would leave so she could take care of Tina? I think so. Previews for next week back me up on that. Tina and Bette are having tea and talking (with perfect mood lighting I must say). There's lots of deep stares full of longing as Bette says she doesn't know what to do. Tina again looks for confirmation that Bette is in love with Jodi. Bette responds "I adore her. I respect and admire her but it doesn't really compare."

They're handling this Bette and Tina thing so well I hardly even notice all the bad stuff.