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I don't have it in my heart to do a full on L Word recap this week. Shane slept with one of the owners of SheBar, without the other (she slept with the one who was on General Hospital if you must know) thus setting up a full on lesbian version of the Sharks and the Jets with SheBar and The Planet being the home bases for each team. Jenny is still crazy, Mousy Girl is looking more and more likely to play out my Single White Female fantasy, Alice takes the very low road and outs the ball player after she'd signed a non-disclosure agreement for the party. I hope she gets sued. Did the guy deserve to be outed after he made horrible, hateful statements against gay people? Maybe but that doesn't make Alice's actions right. All I really wanted to see in this episode was more of Bette and Tina. Things are awkward between them since the kiss. Bette thinks they should talk about it and while Tina is clearly uncomfortable talking about it she agrees. They try to make a date to talk about it but schedules are crazy so Tina wisely says we'll just talk about it when we can, we'll talk about it when we talk about it.

Later Bette asks for Tina's advice in dealing with Jodi and the potential fallout from the student's gun stunt from last week. Tina gives great advice that Bette should support Jodi but let Jodi speak and stand up for herself. Later at a party thrown by Jenny Bette has an uncomfortable moment with the actress who'll be playing her in the Jenny's crazy movie. The actress is wicked and throws a lot of really mean questions towards Bette about why she chose to fuck up her very good life and relationship by sleeping with the plumber (that's the fiction version of Candace's carpenter). After storming off Bette confesses to Tina that she doesn't have any answers to the stupid actress's questions. At one point, I forget if it was during this scene or earlier Tina asks if Bette is in love with Jodi. Bette hesitates and then responds that yes she is, clearly lying. Bette leaves the party and goes home (which is just next door since the party is at Jenny and Shane's house). Tina proceeds to get really wasted and is fumbling with her cell phone, trying to call a cab when Jodi finds her and brings her back to Bette's house. It's a very well played moment, again I love it when Jennifer Beals has something to work with, when Bette watches her current lover taking care of the woman that could be the love of her life. Jodi gives Tina water and covers her up with a blanket as Tina slips into sleep on the couch. Bette is clearly torn up at this moment. Does she wish that Jodi would leave so she could take care of Tina? I think so. Previews for next week back me up on that. Tina and Bette are having tea and talking (with perfect mood lighting I must say). There's lots of deep stares full of longing as Bette says she doesn't know what to do. Tina again looks for confirmation that Bette is in love with Jodi. Bette responds "I adore her. I respect and admire her but it doesn't really compare."

They're handling this Bette and Tina thing so well I hardly even notice all the bad stuff.

Sweet mercy there was a scene in this episode that I enjoyed without snark or irony. Can't remember the last time that happened so let's all take a pause and commit this to memory.

Because lesbian is apparently code for "group think" everyone on the show is taking a self defense class after Kit's unfortunate stick up incident. The only good part about this scene is what could possibly be the best line of the season: "Has anyone seen Shane's vagina?" And also, Kit buys a gun. Raise your hand if you see this ending badly.

Two crazy lesbians from Miami have moved to LA to replicate the success of their insanely successful wild and crazy upscale lesbian bar called, wait for it, She Bar. There's some pseudo subplot about the place being competition to The Planet but that makes no sense at all seeing how Kit serves food, coffee, is open during the light of day and doesn't have a backroom for sex. Wait, did I just say there was problem with a storyline not making sense. Never mind. Everyone is planning to attend the opening including Tina's new "friend" the cardiologist. A discussion about the good doctor gets a jealous reaction from Bette when it's mentioned that Tina slept with her on the first date. That little tidbit leads to my favorite moment on the show, so let me buzz through all the other stuff real quick like so I can get back to this.

Shane is still celibate (well at least at the beginning of the episode), Jenny is still crazy, Max is still trying to figure out if he likes boys or girls or both, Tasha is still fighting "Don't Ask Don't Tell." Alice gets invited to an super secret hollywood homos who are closeted party (she uses the phrase "on the DL" repeatedly). She's all giddy about going because, since everyone has to sign a non-disclosure agreement to get in the place she knows it's safe for Tasha to go and they can be open as a couple. So they go there instead of the club. She then proceeds to take a cell phone picture of a pro basketball player and his date. Bitch. 

Let's just cut to the chase, otherwise known as the parts that annoyed me most.

Leave it to The L Word to ruin Charley's Angels fantasies for everyone by throwing one up that completely revolves around Jenny. That's all I'm going to say about that. Fuckers.

Kit was in fact robbed at gun point. Can we start a campaign to give this character a decent storyline? One that doesn't involve getting cheated on, falling off the wagon or getting robbed at gun point? Please.

A group of Jodi's friends do an annual group bonding weekend up in the mountains. They've been doing it for 11 years and Jodi has never taken anyone with her before, until now when she takes Bette. Of course this means Bette and Jodi's friends will hate each other on sight. Well, not exactly hate each other but not respect each other. The group of friends do all sorts of things Bette isn't comfortable with, like drinking mojitos at 9AM, and they won't just let her do her own thing, like reading/working instead of playing football. She on the other hand won't really participate or try to warm up to the group. All of my good feelings towards the friends are totally wiped out when Jodi's bff Michael literally picks Bette up and tosses her in the lake because she really just wants to read her book instead of playing football. I haven't found things like that funny since, well never, but I recall 12 year olds finding that kind of behavior funny. Later Bette bites her lip and tries to be nice to Michael after he essentially accuses her of being a bourgeoisie art snob who is part of the systematic elevation of art prices responsibility for keeping art out of the hands of the people. Kit being robbed at gunpoint forces Bette and Jodi to return to LA early. Michael tries to get Jodi to stay, saying that one of the friends can drive her back but she chooses to go with Bette instead. Can I just say that I hated this storyline? It's so lazy to have not one single person in the group actually try to talk to Bette or get to know her a little bit. It was totally like "if you're not exactly like us and don't want to do all the things we want to do then you totally suck. Fin."

As previews indicated Shane has given up sex, replaced it with exercise and is as hyper and full of energy as a 12 year boy hopped up on sweet tarts, pixie sticks and magazines stolen from his father's girlie magazine stash. The only way this was made even remotely interesting was when the lack of sex finally got to her and she tried to make out with Helena. Yep, Helena cause as previews indicated Helena's mother, the supremely funny Peggy Peabody, finally sprang up to get Helena out of jail. The absolute best moment of this week's show came when Peggy Peabody was inundated with sexual catcalls and she gave it back just as good as she got. I'm not going to ruin the line or the delivery for you because this something you.must.see. I'll just give a teaser: "I'd serve it up family style."

So Helena's out of jail and is really still just like a 15 year old with rebellion issues. Instead of being happy that Mummy bailed her out she hates her mother and the way she treats her and really just wants to get back to her sweet, sensitive, could crush my head with her biceps cell mate. So that's what she's going to do. After Shane tries to make out with her she sneaks out the back of her "get out of jail party" to retrieve the money she'd stolen and stashed, get her cell mate out of jail and the two are planning to retire to an island somewhere. Not sure if this means the character of Helena is really gone but I'm ok with it if she is.

Alice and Shane help Tina find use online dating to find a blond cardiologist with breast implants, excuse me "augmented" breasts. They have semi-hot sex on the good doctor's couch surrounded by her art collection. The good doctor didn't even mind that Tina talked about Bette a lot during dinner. So either she's a saint or she just really wanted to sleep with Tina. Either way works, since any potential love interest has to dig art and not mind that Tina talks about Bette all the time. It's nice for Tina to have something to do other than pine away for Bette or seethe at Jenny.

Speaking of Jenny....look, I just can't go into detail about her, it's gone so far with her that it's not even amusing in an absurd way anymore. I could try to explain the stupid scene with her in the gym where she wouldn't actually do anything at all besides torturing Mousy Girl but you even I, in my endless snark, couldn't do it justice. Just believe me when I tell you that Jenny is still just as crazy as she ever was. When either she does something interesting or something interesting involving her happens I'll start talking about her again.

The official proceedings for kicking Tasha out of the military have started. All of the "valid" evidence against her, meaning it's true and suggests she's a lesbian, involves Alice. Tasha's either going to have to lie about being a lesbian or she's going to be thrown out of the military. Since lying would go against her military code of honor I'm betting she's going to get thrown out, she's going to try not to but she'll blame Alice and will be really bitter. This will lead to an ugly breakup and Alice having a broken heart like we've never seen. What happened to Alice being funny? I like Alice when she's funny. I love, and by love I mean hate with a passion, the way this show has spun so freaking far from reality but makes sure to keep one "realistic" depressing storyline each season to somehow keep it tethered to the ground. We had Dana dying, Bette's father dying, etc. and this season we get Tasha running up against Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

I'd sort of forgotten that like, for a living, Alice is running Our Chart or whatever it is. If I'm not mistaken both in real life and on the show Our Chart is a social networking site for lesbians that includes profiles used for finding dates (a la Tina) blogs, podcasts and video podcasts. Alice is like a little talk show host in the video podcasts she makes for the site. Apparently she's doing a-ok in the money department by doing this. This of course makes me very bitter. But I digress. The only reason this is important is because Max made a podcast about being trans that he wants to post to the site. Alice brushes him off and previews show that he's going to post it to the site and it's going to serve as the entry point for big discussions about dykes and trans men, trans men in the dyke community, trans men and lesbians, blah, blah, blah take your pick of keywords.

When last we left The L Word Jenny was floating out to sea on a small raft. As unrealistic as it was I held out hope that she'd be swallowed by a whale and therefore no longer on the show. Or, if not eaten by a whale, at least have a leg or an arm bitten off by a shark. She'd be a lot more interesting as someone who'd had her leg bitten off as a shark instead of the even more crazy bitch she is now. Yes, I said it, Jenny is even crazier this season than she's ever been before. Not crazy so much in the "she needs to be locked up" way that she was in say season 3 but in a new "entitled, stereotype of LA entertainment people, demanding bitch" way. She's seriously evil to her assistant (who has the good sense to quit near the end of the first episode), evil to strangers, evil to everyone.

In case you've forgotten Jenny wrote a barely fictionalized novel about all The L Word ladies. This novel is being turned into a movie. I'd go into more detail about it but the whole thing bores me so let me give this brief explanation: Tina is the film studio exec working on the project, Tina hates Jenny, Jenny hates Tina. Because the writers want to make me scratch my eyes out Jenny is given even more screen time this year because the new straight, older, I guess father figure guy who is now funding the film adaptation of Jenny's novel has declared that Jenny will be directing the film as well.

I knew it was a bad sign when I checked Showtime's website for information on The L Word last week and found out that oops, even though the show starts in less than a month The L Word site was completely MIA. Well they've fixed that now but I'm still believing it's a bad omen. I've had a few spoilers come my way, some of them only mildly eye-roll inducing, some of them led me to sprain my left eye cause I rolled it so hard. One spoiler even made me happy, I know hard to believe. Because I'm good to you I'm going to share.

So yeah, um, consider this your spoiler warning.

- Marina the predatory lesbian is coming back for a couple episodes. Rumor has it she's going to screw up Crazy Jenny's love life. Again.
- Carmen will possibly be on for a few episodes but not long term.
- Cybil Shephard is going to appear as a middle aged straight woman who starts questioning her sexuality with Alice.
- A new character named Papi will be a "very hot Latina" who competes with Shane in lots of areas.
- Marlee Matlin joins the cast as a love interest for Bette.

Can you guess which spoilers caused physical injury to me and which one made me happy?

Season 4 premiers Sunday January 7. Check out a promo.

In addition to Season 4 The L Word creators have something else up there sleeve. It seems web 2.0 fever has struck them and they're starting a lesbian social networking site called Ourchart.com.

Like hugely popular social networking sites, such as My Space, Facebook and Bebo, OurChart.com will facilitate connections of all kinds, but is aimed directly at gay women, as well as their friends and family. Although there are many lesbian-centered Web sites, discussion groups, classified listings and news outlets, there has never been an online social space that is strategically and conceptually aligned with a franchise phenomenon like "The L Word."

Um, ok.

Tags: The L Word, Showtime, Marlee Matlin is the spoiler that makes me happy, social networking, lesbians, ourchart.com

Thank god it's over. Seriously. I have never been so relieved for a piece of entertainment to end. I can't even do it justice with a proper recap so I'm just going to hit the highlights and be done with The L Word.

- The episode starts shortly after Dana's death but rapidly jumps six weeks into the future. Alice and Lara have been having sleeping together all that time. They don't talk, they don't date, they have sex. When Lara finally says she wants to talk about what they're doing and how they feel Alice says she doesn't want to talk. Eventually though Alice decides to "stop medicating her pain with sex and drugs" and actually talk to Lara. They have a brief conversation where they're getting to know one another. Perfectly setting them up for next season.

- Shane meets/reunites with her father who is exactly like her (sex obsessed, commitment phobic, same mannerisms and body language) except he's finally settled down with a wife and young son. Except that he hasn't. He ditches the wife at Shane's pre-wedding festivities, takes $10,000 that Helena gave him to buy a wedding gift for Shane and takes off with a young floozy (I've never used the word floozy before but I think I like it). He tells Shane he's sorry but it's just who he is and he knows Shane understands that. Shane uses this as an excuse/cause/whatever to stand Carmen up at the altar after Helena paid for this whole Canadian wedding fantasy (including flying Carmen's suddenly non-homophobic family up and paying for every one's hotel rooms). I predict Carmen to be totally off the show next year and Shane to be back to her season 1 ways.

- Kit is pregnant. Angus is thrilled. Bored now.

- Bette is serious about suing for sole custody until she and Tina spend five minutes together with the baby without fighting. Then she decides going for sole custody isn't a good idea but as I've said time and time again this show loves a contrived plot point it is of course to late to stop the process. So while Tina is telling her boyfriend that she's not going to cut Bette out of Angelica's life legally (even though the boyfriend wants her to) a fax is printing telling her that Bette is suing for sole custody. Tina is not amused and because Bette is suddenly the dumbest person on the planet she flees with Bette. So since they're in Canada that means Bette is in a foreign country with a child that she does not legally have any rights to (I think that's right, since the second parent adoption isn't final). As the Guinness boys would say "Brilliant!"

- Jenny and Max still hate each other but somehow are still together. Since Helena has paid for them all to go to the Canadian ski resort for the wedding that wasn't Max takes advantage and skis. Jenny doesn't want to and it's a good thing she doesn't because how else could she have been picked up by the gay travel writer who asks her what sex with a transsexual is like. Jenny and the travel writer get it on and Jenny looks kind of happy which is a totally foreign look for her this season. Later in a bar Jenny and the travel writer are going to dance and Max says not to because it's a straight bar and two women dancing will make people uncomfortable. They both look at him like the sad pathetic person he is and point out to him that all the people he's concerned with making comfortable are all studying him closely when he walks into a room because they now he isn't like them. They know he's different and that he'll always be one of the others.

- Helena paid for every one's trip to Canada much to her mother's befuddlement. Why Peggy Peabody came to the wedding I don't know but there she is and after Helena realizes that Shane's dad took off with the 10 grand she gave him Peggy decides it's time for Helena to stop trying to buy affection so she cuts her off financially. I'm guessing that the setup for next season is that even though Helena is like 40 years old she's never managed to keep any money separate from her mother. Therefore she'll be broke next season and we'll have to suffer through her trying to have a job and make a living. Joy.

So basically the whole episode was just one long setup for next season. That's fine and all if this episode had actually made me want to watch next season. It didn't. I know I probably will because B will want to but I'ma make sure my shoes aren't within reach cause I'm broke and can't afford to buy a new TV after throwing one through the picture tube in frustration.

Update: Movable Type ate part of my post so a couple additions:

- Peggy Peabody was involved years ago ("I was a lesbian once") with the woman who was supposed to be marrying Shane and Carmen. Since they saw each other at the almost wedding and remembered how much fun they had back in the day they've hooked up again.

- At the very end of the episode the stupid chart flashed up connecting everybody that had appeared in flashbacks at the beginning of episodes. Basically it said "the world is incestuous and we all fuck around and are all connected in many ways we'd never imagine.

This show has gotten so bad even my dearest darling B is frustrated. B, my love, who adored Queer as Folk for all five seasons. If she turns against a gay show you know we're scraping the bottom of the barrel content wise. If you're asking yourself why I'm so hard on The L Word I'll just say "visions of a dead woman in a waterfall." And if you ask my why I bother watching it if it's so bad then I'll just say shut the hell up because I don't have a good answer. It's like a train wreck I can't look away from. Onward.

- Dana is still dead. Her parents plan a funeral that includes the priest/minister talking about how Dana didn't have time in this life to find a husband and have kids. Excuse the hell out of me? Did Dana not come out in Subaru ads on this show? Did she not come close to having the first "corporate sponsored lesbian wedding" last season with Cat Killer? Did her mother not attend the bachelorette party for said wedding? I know Dana’s parents and their friends are supposed to be rich Republican types but even they have ESPN and USA Today. So this whole pretending she was straight at her funeral is super duper obnoxious. To counteract the obnoxious-ness Alice yells out that Dana was gay and later steals Dana’s ashes. The plan is to take them to tennis camp in the mountains that Dana loved (and where she first got it on with another girl).

- Shane is insanely depressed after Dana’s funeral and since the next step after depression is completely personality swap, Shane proposes to Carmen. Carmen just looks surprised and doesn’t answer.

- Jennifer Beals and the actress that plays Tina must totally hate each other. They’ve barely been onscreen together this season and when they have the scenes have been fuel of anger and hurt and “I want to scratch your eyes out looks.” That continues this episode since Tina has become the most insensitive person on the whole planet by bringing her new boyfriend over to Bette’s house to pick up Angelica. And as I’ve said before this show is so fucking heavy handed they have the boyfriend’s little boy as Bette to take a “family picture” of Boyfriend, Boyfriend’s spawn, Tina and Angelica. Family picture? Tina and the man have known each other for fifteen and a half minutes. His kid is going to be so screwed up.

Bette is of course lonely and sad that her relationship is so over (though let’s be honest that shit is her own fault since she started it all in season one by sleeping with Candace). She spends the night at Angus and Kit’s place so Kit can comfort her (both about Bette and about Dana). Most importantly though she goes to see the lawyer that Tina hired last year to represent her when they were breaking up the first time. The lawyer assures Bette that she’ll absolutely get joint custody of Angelica since she’s been there, as a parent of record, since the very beginning. Bette says she doesn’t want joint custody. She wants full custody. She doesn’t want her daughter to grow up being the biracial other in a family of white people. She says that when people she Tina and Angelica together they assume she’s adopted. When they see Bette and Angelica together they just see a mother and daughter. I think Tina’s pretty tacky at this point but I’m torn over the custody issue. Bette was the one who pushed for black father so the baby would look like her but using that as a reason to take the child completely from Tina seems wrong. On the flip side I see her point about not wanting Angelica to feel left out and different from the rest of the people in her home.

- Dylan drops a package and the settlement check (torn up naturally) at Helena’s front gate and drives away with a car full of stuff, giving the impression that she’s leaving town. The package is a video tape where she essentially apologizes for screwing Helena over, talking about how she’s got a lot of bad shit in her past that the evil boyfriend helped her with (though she doesn’t go into specifics, they must need a storyline for her in season 4) admitting that she’s in love with Helena. Helena cries and cries. Bored now.

- Max interviews at the same company that described him as “neither fish nor foul” when he interviewed there as Moira. Now that he supposedly passes so much better they think he’s great and offer him a high paying job. The catch is Jenny wanted him to interview there as Max so she could write about the company’s sexism (get it? They hire Max but not Moira). Max just wants to take the job. Jenny says he’s going to be sleeping with the enemy now. Max says they have serious issues if she thinks men are the enemy. Bored now again.

- The entire main cast (including Max who barely knew Dana) hike into the mountains for Dana’s “real memorial.” Employing a shocking level of subtlety Max is shown to be becoming even more of a “man” and a jerk by being aggressive and choosing the hiking route while the others where studying/arguing over the map and looking bored while Alice, Shane and Bette told stories about how they first got to know Dana (these stories were accompanied by funny flashbacks).

At the waterfall Bette puts her new Buddha-ness to work by talking about Dana being at peace, yadda, yadda, yadda. Shane acts like a whiney baby with no concern for anyone else’s feelings by screaming that Dana is not at peace and she died alone. Nice dig at Alice, you’re a great friend Shane. Then Shane storms off and her poutiness if rewarded by Carmen finally saying yes to the marriage proposal.

Everyone else scatters Dana’s ashes into the waterfall where Alice sees a vision of Dana. I think the high level of cheesiness in this show has made me lactose intolerant. Good thing I’m on a soy milk kick right now.

- Post memorial service Alice finds Lara on Dana’s step (I think it’s Dana’s step). They go inside, cry for like 30 seconds and then start to make out. Yes, Alice and Lara. Previews show they’re going to follow through and have sex next week. Makes sense since they both loved Dana most of all and Dana love the two of them more than anyone else. I’m genuinely interested to see if they make this a full fledge relationship next season or just a brief anesthesia to the pain that both Alice and Lara are feeling.

Season finale next week people. Thank jesus for that because I think I've got a sprain from rolling my eyes so hard. They need a break.

I told y'all Dana was going to die. And die she did. Because Alice isn't neurotic or crazy enough they had Dana die in the very brief time in five days that Alice was not in Dana's room. And of course Alice got back about 30 seconds after they'd pronounced Dana dead. I'm aware of the time because they had a stupid clock on the screen periodically through the episode so you knew they were counting down to Dana's death. More on the stupid clock in a minute let's get some other stuff out of the way first.

- Angus doesn't show up when he's supposed to and Kit freaks the hell out. She shows up at his place, calls his cell eleventy two million times and just acts crazy. When he finally shows up he tells her that he forget his cell so he didn't get her messages and he's pleased that she was worried about him. She tells him she can't be worrying like that because she imagined he was dead from a car wreck or sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. Angus tells her that you worry about people when you love them and she loves him so she's just got to deal with that. End anything meaningful at all with Kit.

- Bette has been at her Buddhist retreat for 10 days. She's been nearly silent the entire time so now that she's making her escape she just wants to scream and scream. She hikes down the hill or mountain or whatever and ends up at a bus stop with a hippie-ish dude and an old woman. So it's the hippie, the refugee (that's what Bette looks like in this episode) and the old woman. They all discuss anger and using their voices. I don't have the words to describe how lame this was. I'm trying but words are failing. Just imagine a hippie, a refugee and an old woman on The L Word. The end, lameness accomplished. Two pseudo interesting points though, when the hippie asks Bette why she's trying to find a higher plane or inner peace or why she's sad or something (I glazed over when he was talking) she doesn't correct him when he asks if she's getting divorced or breaking up with her boyfriend. The second is that Bette is the only one who seems to "feel it" the moment that Dana dies. So I guess she's found her her higher plane.

- Now, Bette has been gone 10 days. That means Tina has known Henry (the dude she slept with last week) for a maximum of 10 days. They've already moved to the meeting his friends and thinking of each other as family phase. Wait, I thought she wasn't a lesbian anymore.

- Jenny's ex-husband Tim comes into town for a swim meet (you'd forgotten he was a swim coach) and because they divorced on such good terms they meet up. Of course it's mostly so Tim can say "look at my pregnant wife and my normal life" and Jenny can say "I'm going to be a successful writer despite being crazy and here is the person who was once my girlfriend but is now about to be my boyfriend." They play nice for a little bit then they insult and antagonize each other. It bored me. Max got pissed at Jenny because she told Tim and his wife that Max is a pre-operative transsexual, he later described Tim as not that bad of a guy. Max also basically said that he'd like to have a decent job, an SUV, a house in the suburbs and a wife who just wants to raise babies. Apparently the Truck of Epic Butchness and crazy Jenny just don't cut it.

- Helena Peabody's mother Peggy comes into town to rescue Helena and the family's money from the sexual harassment lawsuit. Turns out Dylan's boyfriend had applied for grants from the Peabody Foundation 5 times in the past 4 years and was rejected each time. So the whole Dylan storyline was one big setup. Peggy wants to fight it but Helena is in love with Dylan and doesn't want to drag it out and doesn't want to fight. She says she needs to hear Dylan say "I never want to see you again" and "I was never in love with you" and then she'll sign a settlement that gives Dylan and her evil boyfriend a ton of money and gives their shitty document lots of press and studio support. Dylan manages the "I never want to see you again" but it's very weak and she doesn't get the last part out but Helena signs anyway.

- Carmen tells Shane that she cheated on her. After Shane slept with RoQuette Carmen slept with someone else too. Shane is hurt and pissed and pretty devastated. There is no build up or context for this revelation. Carmen has been punishing Shane for weeks and never hinted that she'd had a revenge fling. She's gone on and on about monogamy and commitment, etc. This seems like a "we changed our minds about what to do with Shane and Carmen so let's add this in after the fact" move to me. Later Shane and Carmen have angry but not terribly hot sex that I assume is supposed to be makeup sex. They have this sex while Dana is dying. I know this because the aforementioned clock was ticking on the screen for the moments leading up to Dana's death and showed what everyone was doing when Dana died. Everyone was wrapped up in their lives and only Bette seemed to feel something.

Of course Alice fell apart when she saw Dana's dead body and the doctor told her they'd tried but there was nothing they could do for her. The lamest part of it all is that Alice had left the room to get some fresh air at a nurse's suggestion and ended up outside talking to Cat Killer. That's right Tonya. Alice is outside talking to crazy Tonya while Dana is about to die. Tonya says she made a mistake by leaving Dana and that she was always jealous of Alice because she knew that Dana loved Alice more than anyone.

Second most lame thing is that Lara has been calling Dana from Paris (a spa no less) but you know since Dana's dying in the hospital she never really got around to checking messages.

After the show there was a stupid docu-drama about breast cancer (B says I'm not allowed to say it's stupid because she says that lesbians in general aren't well informed about what they need to be doing about breast cancer including self-checks, mammograms, etc and that it's important that shows targeted toward the lesbian community tell these kind of stories. You see why I say B is much nicer than I am?). Also all the actresses (except Jennifer Beals and Mia Kirshner) talk about how much they're going to miss the character of Dana and the actress Erin Daniels.

They showed scenes of Dana over the past 3 seasons and it reminded me that once upon a time her character was actually funny and had a personality. So I'm not going to miss season 3 Dana at all but seasons 1 & 2 Dana was pretty good.

Yes, I was absent with any sort of recap last week. Yes, I expect you to forgive me. A server change, day job stress and serious work on a new project (more on that later) kept my L Word thoughts alone inside my head.

Let's get things started with answering the question that keeps bringing all the search engine traffic (l word + dana + die): Yes Dana is so going to die. Man I'd be impressed as hell if they pulled a fast one on me and she actually lives but that ain't happening. So if that was all you wanted to know, now you have your answer.

- Kit, making like some wonderful couples I know, says she won't get married until everyone can get married. This disappoints Angus cause he really wants to marry her but it also makes him love her more. So he'll be pretty content if she just agrees to live together.

The only other important Kit moment from the whole episode was Kit telling Max that she thinks he's making a mistake by getting sexual reassignment surgery (SRS). Kit says be the most butch butch woman ever if you don't want to but don't give up the most precious thing in world, which is being a woman.

- Since I unfortunately brought Max up (stupid brain) I guess we'll get to his part now. Obsessed with but unable to afford SRS Max and Jenny take his doctor's advice and throw a benefit party to help pay for top surgery. The theme is an 80s prom (which was funny since B and I are planning a big 80s themed party for the spring but we were inspired by Veronica Mar's Total Eclipse of the Heart dance. Damn, I'm on some tangents tonight). There's much talk of high school, proms and Max continuing his new habit of being a complete and total ass to Jenny. I can't believe I'm about to defend Jenny, but even if she doesn't say or do exactly the right things in terms of Max and his sex change her heart is in the right place and she's trying to help him and be there for him. He's just an ass.

The party is a pretty big success (I mean it has to be since Alice brought cupcakes that look like breasts) and Max the bastard rakes in something like $3700. Great right? No. He's very pissed and says it "won't even pay for one tit." He berates Jenny for not having her "rich friends" give more money. He says Helena could have paid for his whole surgery with the money she probably pisses away every day. He's a full of entitlement little shit isn't he? Jenny is horrified by his behavior and he tells her that she just doesn't understand. She concurs that no she doesn't understand. She asks him who he's going to be when he gets his new body, the sweet kind person she met back in Illinois or the monster he has become.

- Helena has been set up by Dylan. I don't know if the whole attraction was a setup or if the plan came later after seeing how easy it was to reel Helena in. Essentially Dylan and her boyfriend have set up a sexual play situation where Helena looks like she's demanding sex from Dylan in return for working on Dylan's film project. In reality the two are just playing some very slight dominate sexual games. With the "visual evidence" in hand, Dylan then sues Helena for sexual harassment.

- Bette and Tina are still so over. Bette is actually up in the mountains at a mostly silent Buddhist retreat. Last week they laid the scenes for the inevitable custody battle that is brewing by having the social worker (remember the one who hates Bette and Tina?) show up and notice that things aren't good between Bette and Tina. The social work said she'd just been meeting with a lovely gay couple that has a perfectly happy and stable home (guess she doesn't hate gay people, just Bette) and it's obvious that Bette and Tina are not a happy gay couple and doesn't Tina want to back out of the second parent adoption.

While Bette is at the retreat Tina is screwing some man she just met. Apparently when Tina became straight again it flipped the switch in her brain that makes her want to sleep with every man she meets. This man isn't even very attractive. And he's divorced with a kid. So while their respective children are sleeping (in Bette and Tina's house) they're going at it. Interesting fact, apparently when you turn straight you're no longer interested in receiving oral sex. Disturbing.

- I was wrong when I predicted that Carmen's family was going to figure out the true nature of Shane and Carmen's relationship. Instead Carmen announces it at the dinner table because her mother keeps trying to set Shane up with men. Best I can tell everyone in the family except Mom and Abuela already knew. Mom blows a gasket and throws Carmen and Shane out. Shane is very pissed because she doesn't want to lose Carmen's family. Carmen wants Shane to take her side. Shane seems like a lost puppy at this point. I hate to say it but cheating on Carmen with RoQuette was the only Shane-like behavior that's been exhibited this year. Another lesson for us all, commitment equals loss of personality.

- Dana, hell what's the point of even talking about Dana since we all know she's going to die. Alright, you twisted my arm, I'll tell you. She's digging hanging out with Alice (since she ran Lara off) and looking forward to being a color commentator for televised tennis matches. She's feeling pretty good and optimistic. Then, while Alice is on a date, Dana takes a turn for the worse and gets quite sick. She calls Alice to take her to the hospital. I asked the Magic Eight Ball and the Magic Eight Ball said "Outlook Good" for Dana to die next week.

Ready or not we're rapidly approaching the end of The L Word season 3. Only three episodes remain. I'm glad, now I can finally get back to watching Grey's Anatomy on Sunday nights like the non-Showtime having, soap opera watching rest of the world.

I'm insanely busy at the moment working on a few projects that are very important to me personally and professionally so some things, like L Word recaps, are getting pushed to the back burner. I'm not sure when I'll be able to catch up and do proper recaps. But just in case any of you aren't actually watching the show and just want to know what happened (without the benefit of my snarky commentary) here is the most important stuff in short order:

- Tina was going to fuck a man she's working with (like they were little taking their clothes off and starting to get it on) but he made stupid comments about queers and lesbians and she had to literally smack him upside the head and not sleep with him.

- Shane and Carmen got matching tatoos of birds (cause birds are monogamous get it?) on the backs of their necks.

- Jenny's editor thinks she's weak and whiney. The editor wants to make Jenny's book into one of strength instead of eternal victim-hood. Jenny whines to the publisher and the editor takes herself off the project.

- Max is on testosterone which Jenny is injecting for him. He also has sex on the Planet bar with Billie who is later caught snorting coke in the Planet by Kit. Naturally Kit is hysterical.

- Dana does not make a good sick person. She is cold and cruel to Laura who is doing everything she can to take care of her. Eventually Dana demands that Laura leave. Laura doesn't want to but Dana forces her to and then later Dana spins a bullshit story about Laura abandoning her. Obviously she caught a contact crazy from Alice and Jenny.

- After sleeping with Dylan, Helena has now decided it's not such a good idea to be the other woman and tells Dylan they should just be friends. Dylan wants to still sleep together even though she still claims to be straight and has no intention of leaving her boyfriend.