I knew it was a bad sign when I checked Showtime's website for information on The L Word last week and found out that oops, even though the show starts in less than a month The L Word site was completely MIA. Well they've fixed that now but I'm still believing it's a bad omen. I've had a few spoilers come my way, some of them only mildly eye-roll inducing, some of them led me to sprain my left eye cause I rolled it so hard. One spoiler even made me happy, I know hard to believe. Because I'm good to you I'm going to share.

So yeah, um, consider this your spoiler warning.

- Marina the predatory lesbian is coming back for a couple episodes. Rumor has it she's going to screw up Crazy Jenny's love life. Again.
- Carmen will possibly be on for a few episodes but not long term.
- Cybil Shephard is going to appear as a middle aged straight woman who starts questioning her sexuality with Alice.
- A new character named Papi will be a "very hot Latina" who competes with Shane in lots of areas.
- Marlee Matlin joins the cast as a love interest for Bette.

Can you guess which spoilers caused physical injury to me and which one made me happy?

Season 4 premiers Sunday January 7. Check out a promo.

In addition to Season 4 The L Word creators have something else up there sleeve. It seems web 2.0 fever has struck them and they're starting a lesbian social networking site called Ourchart.com.

Like hugely popular social networking sites, such as My Space, Facebook and Bebo, OurChart.com will facilitate connections of all kinds, but is aimed directly at gay women, as well as their friends and family. Although there are many lesbian-centered Web sites, discussion groups, classified listings and news outlets, there has never been an online social space that is strategically and conceptually aligned with a franchise phenomenon like "The L Word."

Um, ok.

Tags: The L Word, Showtime, Marlee Matlin is the spoiler that makes me happy, social networking, lesbians, ourchart.com

December 18, 2006| Permalink

Thank god it's over. Seriously. I have never been so relieved for a piece of entertainment to end. I can't even do it justice with a proper recap so I'm just going to hit the highlights and be done with The L Word.

- The episode starts shortly after Dana's death but rapidly jumps six weeks into the future. Alice and Lara have been having sleeping together all that time. They don't talk, they don't date, they have sex. When Lara finally says she wants to talk about what they're doing and how they feel Alice says she doesn't want to talk. Eventually though Alice decides to "stop medicating her pain with sex and drugs" and actually talk to Lara. They have a brief conversation where they're getting to know one another. Perfectly setting them up for next season.

- Shane meets/reunites with her father who is exactly like her (sex obsessed, commitment phobic, same mannerisms and body language) except he's finally settled down with a wife and young son. Except that he hasn't. He ditches the wife at Shane's pre-wedding festivities, takes $10,000 that Helena gave him to buy a wedding gift for Shane and takes off with a young floozy (I've never used the word floozy before but I think I like it). He tells Shane he's sorry but it's just who he is and he knows Shane understands that. Shane uses this as an excuse/cause/whatever to stand Carmen up at the altar after Helena paid for this whole Canadian wedding fantasy (including flying Carmen's suddenly non-homophobic family up and paying for every one's hotel rooms). I predict Carmen to be totally off the show next year and Shane to be back to her season 1 ways.

- Kit is pregnant. Angus is thrilled. Bored now.

- Bette is serious about suing for sole custody until she and Tina spend five minutes together with the baby without fighting. Then she decides going for sole custody isn't a good idea but as I've said time and time again this show loves a contrived plot point it is of course to late to stop the process. So while Tina is telling her boyfriend that she's not going to cut Bette out of Angelica's life legally (even though the boyfriend wants her to) a fax is printing telling her that Bette is suing for sole custody. Tina is not amused and because Bette is suddenly the dumbest person on the planet she flees with Bette. So since they're in Canada that means Bette is in a foreign country with a child that she does not legally have any rights to (I think that's right, since the second parent adoption isn't final). As the Guinness boys would say "Brilliant!"

- Jenny and Max still hate each other but somehow are still together. Since Helena has paid for them all to go to the Canadian ski resort for the wedding that wasn't Max takes advantage and skis. Jenny doesn't want to and it's a good thing she doesn't because how else could she have been picked up by the gay travel writer who asks her what sex with a transsexual is like. Jenny and the travel writer get it on and Jenny looks kind of happy which is a totally foreign look for her this season. Later in a bar Jenny and the travel writer are going to dance and Max says not to because it's a straight bar and two women dancing will make people uncomfortable. They both look at him like the sad pathetic person he is and point out to him that all the people he's concerned with making comfortable are all studying him closely when he walks into a room because they now he isn't like them. They know he's different and that he'll always be one of the others.

- Helena paid for every one's trip to Canada much to her mother's befuddlement. Why Peggy Peabody came to the wedding I don't know but there she is and after Helena realizes that Shane's dad took off with the 10 grand she gave him Peggy decides it's time for Helena to stop trying to buy affection so she cuts her off financially. I'm guessing that the setup for next season is that even though Helena is like 40 years old she's never managed to keep any money separate from her mother. Therefore she'll be broke next season and we'll have to suffer through her trying to have a job and make a living. Joy.

So basically the whole episode was just one long setup for next season. That's fine and all if this episode had actually made me want to watch next season. It didn't. I know I probably will because B will want to but I'ma make sure my shoes aren't within reach cause I'm broke and can't afford to buy a new TV after throwing one through the picture tube in frustration.

Update: Movable Type ate part of my post so a couple additions:

- Peggy Peabody was involved years ago ("I was a lesbian once") with the woman who was supposed to be marrying Shane and Carmen. Since they saw each other at the almost wedding and remembered how much fun they had back in the day they've hooked up again.

- At the very end of the episode the stupid chart flashed up connecting everybody that had appeared in flashbacks at the beginning of episodes. Basically it said "the world is incestuous and we all fuck around and are all connected in many ways we'd never imagine.

March 27, 2006| Permalink | Comments (5)

This show has gotten so bad even my dearest darling B is frustrated. B, my love, who adored Queer as Folk for all five seasons. If she turns against a gay show you know we're scraping the bottom of the barrel content wise. If you're asking yourself why I'm so hard on The L Word I'll just say "visions of a dead woman in a waterfall." And if you ask my why I bother watching it if it's so bad then I'll just say shut the hell up because I don't have a good answer. It's like a train wreck I can't look away from. Onward.

- Dana is still dead. Her parents plan a funeral that includes the priest/minister talking about how Dana didn't have time in this life to find a husband and have kids. Excuse the hell out of me? Did Dana not come out in Subaru ads on this show? Did she not come close to having the first "corporate sponsored lesbian wedding" last season with Cat Killer? Did her mother not attend the bachelorette party for said wedding? I know Dana’s parents and their friends are supposed to be rich Republican types but even they have ESPN and USA Today. So this whole pretending she was straight at her funeral is super duper obnoxious. To counteract the obnoxious-ness Alice yells out that Dana was gay and later steals Dana’s ashes. The plan is to take them to tennis camp in the mountains that Dana loved (and where she first got it on with another girl).

- Shane is insanely depressed after Dana’s funeral and since the next step after depression is completely personality swap, Shane proposes to Carmen. Carmen just looks surprised and doesn’t answer.

- Jennifer Beals and the actress that plays Tina must totally hate each other. They’ve barely been onscreen together this season and when they have the scenes have been fuel of anger and hurt and “I want to scratch your eyes out looks.” That continues this episode since Tina has become the most insensitive person on the whole planet by bringing her new boyfriend over to Bette’s house to pick up Angelica. And as I’ve said before this show is so fucking heavy handed they have the boyfriend’s little boy as Bette to take a “family picture” of Boyfriend, Boyfriend’s spawn, Tina and Angelica. Family picture? Tina and the man have known each other for fifteen and a half minutes. His kid is going to be so screwed up.

Bette is of course lonely and sad that her relationship is so over (though let’s be honest that shit is her own fault since she started it all in season one by sleeping with Candace). She spends the night at Angus and Kit’s place so Kit can comfort her (both about Bette and about Dana). Most importantly though she goes to see the lawyer that Tina hired last year to represent her when they were breaking up the first time. The lawyer assures Bette that she’ll absolutely get joint custody of Angelica since she’s been there, as a parent of record, since the very beginning. Bette says she doesn’t want joint custody. She wants full custody. She doesn’t want her daughter to grow up being the biracial other in a family of white people. She says that when people she Tina and Angelica together they assume she’s adopted. When they see Bette and Angelica together they just see a mother and daughter. I think Tina’s pretty tacky at this point but I’m torn over the custody issue. Bette was the one who pushed for black father so the baby would look like her but using that as a reason to take the child completely from Tina seems wrong. On the flip side I see her point about not wanting Angelica to feel left out and different from the rest of the people in her home.

- Dylan drops a package and the settlement check (torn up naturally) at Helena’s front gate and drives away with a car full of stuff, giving the impression that she’s leaving town. The package is a video tape where she essentially apologizes for screwing Helena over, talking about how she’s got a lot of bad shit in her past that the evil boyfriend helped her with (though she doesn’t go into specifics, they must need a storyline for her in season 4) admitting that she’s in love with Helena. Helena cries and cries. Bored now.

- Max interviews at the same company that described him as “neither fish nor foul” when he interviewed there as Moira. Now that he supposedly passes so much better they think he’s great and offer him a high paying job. The catch is Jenny wanted him to interview there as Max so she could write about the company’s sexism (get it? They hire Max but not Moira). Max just wants to take the job. Jenny says he’s going to be sleeping with the enemy now. Max says they have serious issues if she thinks men are the enemy. Bored now again.

- The entire main cast (including Max who barely knew Dana) hike into the mountains for Dana’s “real memorial.” Employing a shocking level of subtlety Max is shown to be becoming even more of a “man” and a jerk by being aggressive and choosing the hiking route while the others where studying/arguing over the map and looking bored while Alice, Shane and Bette told stories about how they first got to know Dana (these stories were accompanied by funny flashbacks).

At the waterfall Bette puts her new Buddha-ness to work by talking about Dana being at peace, yadda, yadda, yadda. Shane acts like a whiney baby with no concern for anyone else’s feelings by screaming that Dana is not at peace and she died alone. Nice dig at Alice, you’re a great friend Shane. Then Shane storms off and her poutiness if rewarded by Carmen finally saying yes to the marriage proposal.

Everyone else scatters Dana’s ashes into the waterfall where Alice sees a vision of Dana. I think the high level of cheesiness in this show has made me lactose intolerant. Good thing I’m on a soy milk kick right now.

- Post memorial service Alice finds Lara on Dana’s step (I think it’s Dana’s step). They go inside, cry for like 30 seconds and then start to make out. Yes, Alice and Lara. Previews show they’re going to follow through and have sex next week. Makes sense since they both loved Dana most of all and Dana love the two of them more than anyone else. I’m genuinely interested to see if they make this a full fledge relationship next season or just a brief anesthesia to the pain that both Alice and Lara are feeling.

Season finale next week people. Thank jesus for that because I think I've got a sprain from rolling my eyes so hard. They need a break.

March 21, 2006| Permalink | Comments (10)

I told y'all Dana was going to die. And die she did. Because Alice isn't neurotic or crazy enough they had Dana die in the very brief time in five days that Alice was not in Dana's room. And of course Alice got back about 30 seconds after they'd pronounced Dana dead. I'm aware of the time because they had a stupid clock on the screen periodically through the episode so you knew they were counting down to Dana's death. More on the stupid clock in a minute let's get some other stuff out of the way first.

- Angus doesn't show up when he's supposed to and Kit freaks the hell out. She shows up at his place, calls his cell eleventy two million times and just acts crazy. When he finally shows up he tells her that he forget his cell so he didn't get her messages and he's pleased that she was worried about him. She tells him she can't be worrying like that because she imagined he was dead from a car wreck or sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. Angus tells her that you worry about people when you love them and she loves him so she's just got to deal with that. End anything meaningful at all with Kit.

- Bette has been at her Buddhist retreat for 10 days. She's been nearly silent the entire time so now that she's making her escape she just wants to scream and scream. She hikes down the hill or mountain or whatever and ends up at a bus stop with a hippie-ish dude and an old woman. So it's the hippie, the refugee (that's what Bette looks like in this episode) and the old woman. They all discuss anger and using their voices. I don't have the words to describe how lame this was. I'm trying but words are failing. Just imagine a hippie, a refugee and an old woman on The L Word. The end, lameness accomplished. Two pseudo interesting points though, when the hippie asks Bette why she's trying to find a higher plane or inner peace or why she's sad or something (I glazed over when he was talking) she doesn't correct him when he asks if she's getting divorced or breaking up with her boyfriend. The second is that Bette is the only one who seems to "feel it" the moment that Dana dies. So I guess she's found her her higher plane.

- Now, Bette has been gone 10 days. That means Tina has known Henry (the dude she slept with last week) for a maximum of 10 days. They've already moved to the meeting his friends and thinking of each other as family phase. Wait, I thought she wasn't a lesbian anymore.

- Jenny's ex-husband Tim comes into town for a swim meet (you'd forgotten he was a swim coach) and because they divorced on such good terms they meet up. Of course it's mostly so Tim can say "look at my pregnant wife and my normal life" and Jenny can say "I'm going to be a successful writer despite being crazy and here is the person who was once my girlfriend but is now about to be my boyfriend." They play nice for a little bit then they insult and antagonize each other. It bored me. Max got pissed at Jenny because she told Tim and his wife that Max is a pre-operative transsexual, he later described Tim as not that bad of a guy. Max also basically said that he'd like to have a decent job, an SUV, a house in the suburbs and a wife who just wants to raise babies. Apparently the Truck of Epic Butchness and crazy Jenny just don't cut it.

- Helena Peabody's mother Peggy comes into town to rescue Helena and the family's money from the sexual harassment lawsuit. Turns out Dylan's boyfriend had applied for grants from the Peabody Foundation 5 times in the past 4 years and was rejected each time. So the whole Dylan storyline was one big setup. Peggy wants to fight it but Helena is in love with Dylan and doesn't want to drag it out and doesn't want to fight. She says she needs to hear Dylan say "I never want to see you again" and "I was never in love with you" and then she'll sign a settlement that gives Dylan and her evil boyfriend a ton of money and gives their shitty document lots of press and studio support. Dylan manages the "I never want to see you again" but it's very weak and she doesn't get the last part out but Helena signs anyway.

- Carmen tells Shane that she cheated on her. After Shane slept with RoQuette Carmen slept with someone else too. Shane is hurt and pissed and pretty devastated. There is no build up or context for this revelation. Carmen has been punishing Shane for weeks and never hinted that she'd had a revenge fling. She's gone on and on about monogamy and commitment, etc. This seems like a "we changed our minds about what to do with Shane and Carmen so let's add this in after the fact" move to me. Later Shane and Carmen have angry but not terribly hot sex that I assume is supposed to be makeup sex. They have this sex while Dana is dying. I know this because the aforementioned clock was ticking on the screen for the moments leading up to Dana's death and showed what everyone was doing when Dana died. Everyone was wrapped up in their lives and only Bette seemed to feel something.

Of course Alice fell apart when she saw Dana's dead body and the doctor told her they'd tried but there was nothing they could do for her. The lamest part of it all is that Alice had left the room to get some fresh air at a nurse's suggestion and ended up outside talking to Cat Killer. That's right Tonya. Alice is outside talking to crazy Tonya while Dana is about to die. Tonya says she made a mistake by leaving Dana and that she was always jealous of Alice because she knew that Dana loved Alice more than anyone.

Second most lame thing is that Lara has been calling Dana from Paris (a spa no less) but you know since Dana's dying in the hospital she never really got around to checking messages.

After the show there was a stupid docu-drama about breast cancer (B says I'm not allowed to say it's stupid because she says that lesbians in general aren't well informed about what they need to be doing about breast cancer including self-checks, mammograms, etc and that it's important that shows targeted toward the lesbian community tell these kind of stories. You see why I say B is much nicer than I am?). Also all the actresses (except Jennifer Beals and Mia Kirshner) talk about how much they're going to miss the character of Dana and the actress Erin Daniels.

They showed scenes of Dana over the past 3 seasons and it reminded me that once upon a time her character was actually funny and had a personality. So I'm not going to miss season 3 Dana at all but seasons 1 & 2 Dana was pretty good.

March 13, 2006| Permalink | Comments (4)

Yes, I was absent with any sort of recap last week. Yes, I expect you to forgive me. A server change, day job stress and serious work on a new project (more on that later) kept my L Word thoughts alone inside my head.

Let's get things started with answering the question that keeps bringing all the search engine traffic (l word + dana + die): Yes Dana is so going to die. Man I'd be impressed as hell if they pulled a fast one on me and she actually lives but that ain't happening. So if that was all you wanted to know, now you have your answer.

- Kit, making like some wonderful couples I know, says she won't get married until everyone can get married. This disappoints Angus cause he really wants to marry her but it also makes him love her more. So he'll be pretty content if she just agrees to live together.

The only other important Kit moment from the whole episode was Kit telling Max that she thinks he's making a mistake by getting sexual reassignment surgery (SRS). Kit says be the most butch butch woman ever if you don't want to but don't give up the most precious thing in world, which is being a woman.

- Since I unfortunately brought Max up (stupid brain) I guess we'll get to his part now. Obsessed with but unable to afford SRS Max and Jenny take his doctor's advice and throw a benefit party to help pay for top surgery. The theme is an 80s prom (which was funny since B and I are planning a big 80s themed party for the spring but we were inspired by Veronica Mar's Total Eclipse of the Heart dance. Damn, I'm on some tangents tonight). There's much talk of high school, proms and Max continuing his new habit of being a complete and total ass to Jenny. I can't believe I'm about to defend Jenny, but even if she doesn't say or do exactly the right things in terms of Max and his sex change her heart is in the right place and she's trying to help him and be there for him. He's just an ass.

The party is a pretty big success (I mean it has to be since Alice brought cupcakes that look like breasts) and Max the bastard rakes in something like $3700. Great right? No. He's very pissed and says it "won't even pay for one tit." He berates Jenny for not having her "rich friends" give more money. He says Helena could have paid for his whole surgery with the money she probably pisses away every day. He's a full of entitlement little shit isn't he? Jenny is horrified by his behavior and he tells her that she just doesn't understand. She concurs that no she doesn't understand. She asks him who he's going to be when he gets his new body, the sweet kind person she met back in Illinois or the monster he has become.

- Helena has been set up by Dylan. I don't know if the whole attraction was a setup or if the plan came later after seeing how easy it was to reel Helena in. Essentially Dylan and her boyfriend have set up a sexual play situation where Helena looks like she's demanding sex from Dylan in return for working on Dylan's film project. In reality the two are just playing some very slight dominate sexual games. With the "visual evidence" in hand, Dylan then sues Helena for sexual harassment.

- Bette and Tina are still so over. Bette is actually up in the mountains at a mostly silent Buddhist retreat. Last week they laid the scenes for the inevitable custody battle that is brewing by having the social worker (remember the one who hates Bette and Tina?) show up and notice that things aren't good between Bette and Tina. The social work said she'd just been meeting with a lovely gay couple that has a perfectly happy and stable home (guess she doesn't hate gay people, just Bette) and it's obvious that Bette and Tina are not a happy gay couple and doesn't Tina want to back out of the second parent adoption.

While Bette is at the retreat Tina is screwing some man she just met. Apparently when Tina became straight again it flipped the switch in her brain that makes her want to sleep with every man she meets. This man isn't even very attractive. And he's divorced with a kid. So while their respective children are sleeping (in Bette and Tina's house) they're going at it. Interesting fact, apparently when you turn straight you're no longer interested in receiving oral sex. Disturbing.

- I was wrong when I predicted that Carmen's family was going to figure out the true nature of Shane and Carmen's relationship. Instead Carmen announces it at the dinner table because her mother keeps trying to set Shane up with men. Best I can tell everyone in the family except Mom and Abuela already knew. Mom blows a gasket and throws Carmen and Shane out. Shane is very pissed because she doesn't want to lose Carmen's family. Carmen wants Shane to take her side. Shane seems like a lost puppy at this point. I hate to say it but cheating on Carmen with RoQuette was the only Shane-like behavior that's been exhibited this year. Another lesson for us all, commitment equals loss of personality.

- Dana, hell what's the point of even talking about Dana since we all know she's going to die. Alright, you twisted my arm, I'll tell you. She's digging hanging out with Alice (since she ran Lara off) and looking forward to being a color commentator for televised tennis matches. She's feeling pretty good and optimistic. Then, while Alice is on a date, Dana takes a turn for the worse and gets quite sick. She calls Alice to take her to the hospital. I asked the Magic Eight Ball and the Magic Eight Ball said "Outlook Good" for Dana to die next week.

Ready or not we're rapidly approaching the end of The L Word season 3. Only three episodes remain. I'm glad, now I can finally get back to watching Grey's Anatomy on Sunday nights like the non-Showtime having, soap opera watching rest of the world.

March 11, 2006| Permalink | Comments (5)

I'm insanely busy at the moment working on a few projects that are very important to me personally and professionally so some things, like L Word recaps, are getting pushed to the back burner. I'm not sure when I'll be able to catch up and do proper recaps. But just in case any of you aren't actually watching the show and just want to know what happened (without the benefit of my snarky commentary) here is the most important stuff in short order:

- Tina was going to fuck a man she's working with (like they were little taking their clothes off and starting to get it on) but he made stupid comments about queers and lesbians and she had to literally smack him upside the head and not sleep with him.

- Shane and Carmen got matching tatoos of birds (cause birds are monogamous get it?) on the backs of their necks.

- Jenny's editor thinks she's weak and whiney. The editor wants to make Jenny's book into one of strength instead of eternal victim-hood. Jenny whines to the publisher and the editor takes herself off the project.

- Max is on testosterone which Jenny is injecting for him. He also has sex on the Planet bar with Billie who is later caught snorting coke in the Planet by Kit. Naturally Kit is hysterical.

- Dana does not make a good sick person. She is cold and cruel to Laura who is doing everything she can to take care of her. Eventually Dana demands that Laura leave. Laura doesn't want to but Dana forces her to and then later Dana spins a bullshit story about Laura abandoning her. Obviously she caught a contact crazy from Alice and Jenny.

- After sleeping with Dylan, Helena has now decided it's not such a good idea to be the other woman and tells Dylan they should just be friends. Dylan wants to still sleep together even though she still claims to be straight and has no intention of leaving her boyfriend.

February 20, 2006| Permalink | Comments (2)

Dana's still going to die, Kit is just trying to enjoy some scrawny booty, Bette and Tina have no relationship left, Moira/Max can't even keep her/his fictional parts in his pants, Shane's a ho and I'm craving a bacon sandwich.

- Jenny sometimes calls the character Moira and sometimes Max. Last week at the job interview said character said "I'm a girl" but this week said "He treats me like a real guy not just a girl with something shoved in her pants." So I'm perplexed about what I'm supposed to do here. She/he, Moira/Max is just too cumbersome. I'm think we're crossing the threshold here and from now on I'm just going to go with Max and male pronouns. Everyone clear? Good, let's move on.

During one of Jenny's very bad waitressing shifts the NY editor she's been having career wet dreams over comes into The Planet and says that the publishing house loves Jenny's book and wants to publish it. Only problem is they want to turn her novel into a non-fiction memoir. Shades of James Frey anyone? Jenny says no because the book is fiction even though a lot of the events in it actually happened to her. But when she realizes there is an advance check waiting for her she definitely softens. Not that I blame her but damn, doesn't she watch Oprah? So much celebrating happens at the Sleater-Kinney show at The Planet until Moira Max slinks into the back room with Bille. He's there to get the phone number of the transguy who's going to give him the scoop on hormones, transitioning etc, but ends up with the phone number and with Billie going down on what he's packing. Of course Jenny walks in. This is where Max gives the speech about Billie making him feel like a real boy. I get waiting for Gepetto to walk in but no such luck. Jenny seems to forgive Max for this incident by saying "Don't hide." I'm guessing that means "be a boy but a monogamous boy." She gives Billie a die-you bastard-die look though.

- Mangus has pursued Kit relentlessly and she has given in and enjoyed the good sex. However that's really all she's thinking about at the moment. Mangus however is already in looooove. Kit suggests that there is nothing wrong with him just being her boy toy but Mangus says he's not that kind of guy. Kit relents and they are dating except that their dating is the equivalent of teenagers dating, which is to say lots of sex and making out. When Bette and Tina walk in on them Bette is rightfully perturbed (he is the nanny after all) and appropriatly grossed out by the fact that they had sex in Bette and Tina's bed. Bette made them go change the sheets. Finally, a rational decision made by someone on this show.

- Tina is drifting more and more to the dark side, er I mean exploring her attraction to men. Bette tells her to go ahead and sleep with someone but to understand that she very well may not be there waiting when Tina figures out what it is she wants. This is the extent of anything even remotely interesting with Bette and Tina. This show sucks.

- Helena still has the serious hots for Dylan the documentary film maker but Dylan claims she's straight and that nothing like the hot makeout session they had last week had ever happened to her before and would never happen to her again. But then she comes back to Helena's office and they fuck on the couch. Yay for consistency!

- Shane comes home after her night of whoring and tries to sneak past Carmen, who is not-sleeping on the couch. Carmen is looking very distraught, with mascara tears stains on her cheek, and she asks Shane is she fucked Roseanna Arquette. Shane's non-answer is answer enough. Understandably Carmen is distraught. Shane on the other hand doesn't really seem that sorry and goes off on tangents about how she doesn't understand monogamy but she's willing to try for Carmen. What? Did I miss something? Have y'all not been monogamous for the past six months? Have you been fucking around but giving the audience the impression of monogamy? Writers! Continuity please. For real.

- Dana's mastectomy happens but the cancer has already spread (I told you she was going die, didn't I?). But Lara doesn't know this because despite living in California, which has domestic partnership laws on the books, and despite Dana being rich, Dana and Lara never felt the need to have medical powers of attorney et. al drawn up. So Lara is left out in the cold while Dana's evil parents are in Dana's room. Once in the room they tell Dana that Lara has gone home and that they're now there. Even though a) Dana didn't even tell them about the surgery, Lara had Alice tell them and b) Lara's been there the whole time. I hate evil ass straight parents who'd rather their child be alone and sad in the hospital than comforted by the person they love. But positivity comes in the most unlikely of places as Alice has a very after school special moment of growing up and tells Dana's parents that they have to respect that Lara is Dana's partner. Lara and Alice go into Dana's room and Dana is very happy to see them both. I'm very pleased that Alice isn't a stalker anymore. Let this be a lesson to you if you're thinking about getting involved with your best friend. Don't. One of you will get cancer and die and the other will become a stalker.

February 13, 2006| Permalink | Comments (5)

Got to bed late because of the Super Bowl madness, was irritated as fuck by my girlfriend who was irritated as fuck by The L Word and then I couldn't sleep. That explains why this recap is a bit later than usual but let's move forward and put on happy face.

- Dana is so going to die. The doctor told her she had a specific type of cancer (which I of course cannot recall the name of) and my doctor girl said "Oh that's bad. Seriously aggressive." So she's going in very soon for a mastectomy and as expected she's very distraught. Though she seems more distraught over not being able to play tennis than possibly not living (which she's so not going to do). She tells the group that she's having a lumpectomy and does not let them know at all how bad the diagnosis is. She leaves that burden on Lara alone. They both struggle with what lies before them. The night before the mastectomy Dana is obsessed with the breast she's about to lose and wants to have sex one more time with her body as it is. She breaks down into tears in the middle, which I've got to say I'd find terribly distracting. I know that's the wrong thing to say but seriously, I wouldn't be able to concentrate with my partner bawling her eyes out and not responding to anything I was doing but Lara has concentration like you wouldn't believe.

- Bette finds out that Tina's been having cyber sex (do people even use that term anymore?). I seem to kind of glaze over when the two of them are on the screen so Bette very well may have confronted Tina and Tina very well may have come up with some lame cover story but eventually she breaks down crying, confesses to the internet sex nonsense and tells Bette she's got lots of feelings for men. This is of course between Tina flirting with a man at work, Bette trying to find herself in Buddhism and the two of them constantly arguing about money, Angelica, Bette's possible job in NYand everything else.

- Alice and Helena hit Bisexual Speed Dating at the Planet (another Billie production) where Alice meets Uta, a lesbian vamipirologist. This storyline exists only for comic relief and to give Alice something to do besides be a psycho stalker. It succeeded on both counts. Alice becomes quite concerned that Uta is actually a vampire when they go to Uta's lair house for sex and it's complete with red walls, heavy drapes for blocking out light, chain and shackles, candles and very dark, red wine. But she forgets about that concern when the sex becomes really, really good. I don't fault her on that count.

- Helena is still into the documentary filmmaker (Dylan) who is supposedly straight and definitely has a boyfriend. Those are of course merely details to Helena. Apparently they're details to Dylan too since she and Helena make out pretty hot and heavy and are looking to take the next step when the boyfriend calls out from another room and chills them the fuck out. Now, I've known a few straight girls in my day but none of them ever made out with me like that while their boyfriends where in the next room. I blame it all on the fact that I don't own a movie studio. Woe is me.

- Kit and Mangus are setup by Billie at the speed dating nonsense and they're going to fuck in Bette and Tina's bed next week. That's just gross and disrespectful. I know it's a soap opera but come on. Respect people's beds! I can't even discuss these two anymore, just ew.

- Moira goes to a job interview wearing a men's suit and is described unfuckingbelievably as "neither fish nor foul" by the interviewer and asked what team she bats for. Jenny seems to have a new, positive attitude about the Moira/Max issue and helps Moira go out for a night on the town as Max which includes binding and packing. There's more here but I'm bored with all this. I just want to get to Shane and Carmen.

- Carmen has fucking had it with Jenny and Moira being slobs and throws, what we in the South like to call, a hissy fit or possibly even a conniption. Moira is taken aback and says "we were going to clean it up" but I'm a wee bit skeptical since they haven't picked up a damn thing since arriving from their cross country journey in the Truck of Epic Butchness. Later, after her skeezy job interview, Moira scrubs the floor on her hands and knees. I hate that fucking shit. Can we say goddamn overcompensation? You don't have to scrub the floor on your hands and knees but you do need to keep your funyons off the floor and wash the dirty dishes so you don't attract bugs. I mean come on, Carmen hates your ass cause you can't throw your empty beer bottles away, you think scrubbing the floor is going make her hug up on you? Well it's not you nasty ass, no cleaning up people because as soon as you forget she's mad at you you're going to make another mess. And no, I don't have any issues on this topic, why the fuck do you ask?

Shane by the way does not support Carmen's freakout which is unfortunate since on Carmen's good side is where she needs to be when Rosanna Arquette shows back up. Rosanne is Cherie Jaffe, also known by her maiden name now that she's she divorced the husband and took half his money, and also known as Shane's kryptonite. She's booked an appointment with Shane under the maiden name so Shane is pretty surprised when she comes walking in. Leaving no room for mistaking what she wants she prances around like a cat in heat and Shane is really not bothered with it and is totally enjoying it more than she should since she has a girlfriend. And because this show is so completely heavy handed Carmen walks in just as Shane looks like she's enjoying Cherie's flirtation as much as possible. Carmen freaks the fuck out (sensing a theme?) and tells Shane to act like she has a girlfriend. I'm guessing by "act like you have a girlfriend" she doesn't mean continue the flirtation with Cherie and then later show up at her house and go at it in and around the pool. It's a shame that's not what she meant since that's exactly what Shane did.

Now, I love older women. Love them. You'll recall how pleased I was with Pam Grier’s presence on this show. You might also recall how much I love Sela Ward (words cannot adequately describe how much) and other women in her age bracket. I mention this so it's clear that age is not a factor in the following statement: Carmen is hot like fire, Cherie is not. So not. For someone who has fucked around so much Shane sure has bad taste in choosing the "sex partner to fuck up your relationship with" department. Seriously.

I should mention that Shane didn't go directly from fighting with Carmen to fucking Cherie. She went to the party at Wax (the name of the skate complex/hair salon) where Carmen was spinning and flirting with everything under the sun. So just so we're clear, Shane and Carmen fight because Shane is flirting with her ex. Carmen then retaliates by flirting with other people. Shane then retaliates for the retaliation by fucking said ex. Nice. Very nice.

Next week's previews indicate that Bette will tell Tina to go fuck men if that's what she needs to do but to not be sure that Bette would still be waiting for her, Carmen's going to spray Shane with a fire extinguisher because apparently that's the appropriate punishment for lesbian infidelity. Dana gets a step closer to her inevitable death and there is of course also the previously mentioned "ew" between Kit and Mangus in Bette and Tina's bed.

February 6, 2006| Permalink | Comments (2)

This week Bette doesn't sleep with Dana Delaney (disappointingly), Kit doesn't sleep with Angus, Moira doesn't sleep with Jenny, the show steps up from Subaru to Mercedes as a sponsor, and Alice is still crazy.

- Jenny freaks out and starts burning manuscript pages because the editor she sent her manuscript to won't return her calls and also because Moira and the Truck of Epic Butchness stayed out all night. So to continue her string of unsuccessful jobs (checkout bagger, waitress, stripper) she's taken a job at The Planet. This is good because Billie has hired the most horrible waiter in the world just because he's cute and Billie can just stare at him all day. So Jenny and Cute Boy can be like a mismatched set of bad servers. In addition to liking cute twinks Billie seems to be a bit of a tranny chaser as well. He likes Moira until he figures out she's a girl. He pauses briefly and then decides she must be trans and starts laying not subtle hints about it. Later Jenny and Moira hang out with Billie and has friends: a transman, the transman's girlfriend and a transwoman. Billie introduces Jenny around but makes a point to ask Moira if she goes by any other name. Jenny says she sometimes goes by Max. Billie lights up and only refers to her as Max from then on. The transguy is writing a screenplay about his life. He says it's the basic small town girl who realizes she's not a girl, dates women, takes testosterone, has top surgery, etc story. Moira asks if it's about his own life and the guy says yes. Billie says "maybe it's about your life too." Moira says she's definitely thought about it (it being transitioning I guess) which surprises Jenny. The next evening is a big party for Shane's new venture with the skateboard company. Moira doesn't go, she says Jenny's friends were nice to her and she doesn't fit in. Then the skies open, the clouds part, and hanging in Jenny's closet is well pressed suit. Moiras's eyes light up and of course she goes to the party looking dapper (I'm looking at you Cecily) in the suit. Everyone is nice to her and comments on how good she looks, except Jenny. Jenny in fact starts to distance herself. When she and Moira are dancing and Moira steps closer Jenny bolts and dances (closely) with Alice. So look for Moira to become Max and Jenny to dump her him soon.

- Speaking of Shane's party. Um I guess the basic premise is hair cutting as performance art? Again, I know I'm old and boring but I totally didn't get the part where Shane was giving some girl a shaved/spikey/punk hair cut and a large crowd hung around and cheered. This storyline bored me so I'm going over it quickly. In a weird he-must-be-promoting something cameo Russel Simmons throws a party and wants to hire Carmen to dj it. Of course it's the same night as Shane's party. She feels guilty for missing Shane's party but it's a huge opportunity. So she spins at Russel's, is distracted and somehow brings Russel Simmons to Shane's skater punk party. It's never explained exactly how she convinced Russel to do this. Done now.

- Dana struggles but eventually wins a big tournament. Lara (or is it Laura?) says Dana is weak and tired and that she's pushing herself too hard. Dana's mother, knowing nothing about the lump and upcoming biopsy, says that Lara (or is Laura?) obviously doesn't know Dana very well. When Dana wins, she runs off the court and kisses Lara a huge kiss. All I could think was that if this had really happened the tv network would have cut away before their lips even got remotely close. Dana wins a sweet ass Mercedes for winning the tournament. The L Word is stepping up the sponsorship deals. "Lesbians: Not just for Subaru anymore."

- Kit is hanging out with Mangus (the manny Angus) and he puts the moves on her. Inexplicably she throws on the breaks. She wants to bang this boy so I don't know, oh wait, that's right. Part of her problem is that he kind of is a boy. Not literally of course but the age difference between them means she is old enough to be his mother. That freaks her out. He's cool with it. He's also cool with the fact that she abandoned her son as a baby and now doesn't like the person he's grown up to be, he's cool with the fact that she "used to be a drunk" and that her career was hot and then fizzled and he's cool with all kinds of other stuff and basically says let's just get it on. Kit then points out that she's going through menopause. He has no response to that and she leaves the room.

- Tina is working with Helena now and Bette is supposed to be all stay at home Mommy. Bette cannot and will not get into that role. When an opportunity to fly to Washington to testify about art and censorship and how the Bush administration is evil Bette doesn't hesitate a moment before accepting. She doesn't even talk to Tina about it even though Tina has her own work commitments. Bette wants Tina to cancel her commitments at the paying job and if she can't well that's ok there is always Mangus. Tina doesn't want Angelica being raised by nannies and babysitters and she thought that Bette agreed. Bette's like yeah I kind of do but I really want to go to Washington. They discuss the powerful democratic woman who's on the committee that Bette will be testifying before. Tina says "the dyke from Massachusetts" and Bette is offended. First off all the woman is married ("And?" Tina says.) and second of all why does everyone assume that powerful women are always lesbians. Um, because they are? (I kid, I kid). Before she leaves Bette makes a point to tell Tina that she's going to miss her twice. Tina ignores her both times.

Bette goes to Washington, testifies and goes off on a tangent about how evil the Bush administration is, how wonderful art is, how evil the Republican committee head is, blah, blah, blah. Use your imagination and you can figure out how this scene went. Of course the most important part was that the powerful Democrat from Massachusetts, Dana Delaney, was impressed and invited Bette to a cocktail party to speak with other politicians who Bette could persuade to support her art funding and all that. Really it was just hopeful foreplay. After the cocktail party Dana Delaney convinces Bette to come back to her house and look at her art collection. Bette does and the flirting is intense immediately (I like Dana Delaney as a lesbian very much, I also like that this character serves scotch instead of wine). Bette flirts back, there is a kiss and Dana Delaney says "come to bed with me." Bette remembers they are both attached and says "What about your husband." The congresswoman and her husband have a mutually beneficial "arrangement." Bette says "Tina and I don't have an arrangement." That didn't stop you from fucking Candace now did it? Bette says she can't sleep with Dana Delaney and excuses herself to the bathroom where she calls Tina and says, and I paraphrase, "The Dyke congresswoman from Massachusetts wants to fuck me really badly and I'd kind of like to fuck her but really I just want you to be jealous and tell me not to. If you do that then I'll happily turn Dana Delaney down and come back to you." Tina does not tell her not to. BetTina shippers all over the internet cry. Bette finds she has a conscious though and regretful turns Dana Delaney down. They both acknowledge that it would have been really good sex and Bette leaves.

Lightning Round
- Alice is still fucking crazy and can find nothing to talk about on the radio if she can't talk about Dana. Bored now with Alice. Next week she sleeps with a "lesbian vampire."

- Helena has the hots for a documentary filmmaker but Tina is pretty sure the filmmaker is dating a man. Helena is not discouraged.

- Carmen is really pissed with the slovenly household habits of Jenny and Moira.

- The opening scenes are getting weirding and weirder. Remember all the flashbacks from last season? They're back and they suck. Now though they are supposedly all connected. At the end of each one the people having sex (they've all ended in sex I think) have names with lines drawn between them like on the big ass chart in Alice's apartment.

January 30, 2006| Permalink | Comments (3)

Lots and lots of excitement this week. Super good stuff.

Not really, I just wanted to build you up with false hope and expectations.

- Jenny's cross country craziness ends when she and Moira finally make it to L.A. Now she'll just be crazy in California again. Carmen and Shane are puppy sitting an adorable little puppy. Jenny basically rubs the puppy all over her body and then declares she's "a little bit allergic" to dogs. Carmen says it will be fine since the dog is "kind of hairless" and Moira blurts some bullshit about people being allergic to dog saliva and not hair. I can't stand people who talk shit when they don't know what they're talking about, even if it's just a bad tv character. So, most people are allergic to the dander that dogs produce. That's why my girlfriend, who is allergic to just about everything under the sun, can love our little poodle to death and never have any hint of an allergic reaction. Poodles produce little to no dander. Now whether the little puppy sitting dog produces a lot of dander I don't know, but he does pee on Jenny so he's now like my second favorite dog ever.

To end the weirdness of the puppy sitting/allergy/pee on Jenny situation Carmen offers to help Shane and Jenny get their bags out of the massive truck of epic butchness The Truck of Epic Butchness. Moira says oh no, "you girls relax and let us butches (meaning she and Shane) unload the truck." Excuse the fuck out of me? Carmen thinks the comment is kind of funny but she loses her sense of humor quick enough when she figures out that Moira is moving in. Jenny sort of kind of forgot to ask or even mention Moira moving in.

Later the entire group goes out to a super fancy restaurant for a welcome back dinner for Jenny. Not just because she's finally back from visiting her family but because after the craziness that included slicing herself up last season she spent some serious time in the mental ward. Her return to L.A. coincides with having been out of the hospital for five months. So it's a "welcome back to town, we know you're crazy but please don't go that crazy again" dinner. There is talk at the dinner of a manuscript Jenny has submitted to an editor in New York. The editor's daughter was Jenny's roommate in the hospital. When asked if she's read Jenny's work Moira says well no see, I'm a computer technician. Apparently computer people are illiterate in every other area. I didn't get that memo. I'd cut Moira some slack because she was really uncomfortable in the fancy restaurant (and totally inappropriately dressed) but she was really just a brat. Everyone at dinner tried to be nice to her but her uncomfortableness or weirdness precluded her from seeing that. Instead she decided that everyone is evil and told a story about how female lobsters don't try to escape from a lobster pot because they're all too busy holding the other females down. Male lobsters form a chain to help each other escape, female lobsters hold each other down to die. She's very subtle with her metaphors. Shortly after the lobster story she just left. She then went off to some deserted spot and cried all by her lonesome. Well of course she had the truck of epic butchness The Truck of Epic Butchness to keep her company. After her departure the table descended into a discussion about butch identity, butch/femme role playing, being comfortable in one's own skin, etc. No one seems to really understand Moira though at least Bette seems to acknowledge that Moira's environment back home is quite different than their own and that must play some part in her being so different from them.

But the most important part of the dinner is the fact that Bette orders lobster that comes with lemon froth. What the fuck is lemon froth? Also, much to Tina's dismay, Bette wants to pay for everyone's expensive ass dinner but alas her card is declined. Obviously American Express needs to start advertising it's no credit limit nonsense to the formerly well-employed head lesbian in charge demographic.

- Tina and Bette did in fact hire Angus (the leader of Angelica's musical playgroup) to be Angelica's manny (because god knows we can't just say nanny). Kit digs Angus. She really digs him. Apparently skinny, slightly scruffy white boys who are good with kids are just the flavor that Kit craves. I thought menopause made people lose their sex drive. Apparently not Kit cause she looked at Angus like she wanted to break him in two, in a good way. This was Kit's only real purpose in this episode, well this and looking pissed at Billie Blaikie since he's basically changing everything about The Planet from the menu to the table arrangements and the thermostat settings. The thing is though, Kit is still the boss right? Right. So if she's so pissed at him all the time she should really just fire him or get over it.

Bette is still spending money like she has a J.O.B which she so totally does not. She's even lost her stipend for a very political art exhibition because the NEA pulled the funding out. Tina, rightfully, distresses about the money situation. Bette can't believe that Tina is spewing "bourgeois anxiety" about money. Yes, she really said bourgeois anxiety. I'm thinking no one in the family having any income but having a baby makes the anxiety pretty fucking realistic and practical.

Tina's bourgeois anxiety causes her to be open to a job offer from Helena at her newly acquired film studio. Bette is not pleased about the job offer and tries to be all territorial. Tina points out that somebody in the family has got to make money and it's not really up to Bette whether or not Tina takes a job. Bette is hurt and sad and decides to sell some very valuable but very important to her pieces of art. She doesn't mention this to Tina and Tina accepts Helena's job offer. Yay for communication!

- Alice is still drinking the crazy Kool-Aid (season 3 question, is Alice the new Jenny?). Her boss at the radio station notes that while the mentions of Dana in her most recent show dropped from 43 to 27 the craziness in her show has to stop now. The boss says she'd be well within her right to fire Alice but she wants to give her one more shot. The shot is dependent upon not mentioning Dana on the air again.

Pre-Jenny dinner, Shane and Carmen pick Alice up at her apartment. Carmen is a little freaked by the cardboard cutout of Dana but Shane tells her that it used to be much worse, what with the shrine and all. At the dinner Alice stalks Dana in the bathroom but says she won't do anything crazy, she just wants to talk. She wants to know that Dana is happy. Dana says she is, for the most part. What she doesn't mention is that her doctor is a little concerned about the lump in her breast that Lara (or is it Laura?) found and that she's having a biopsy the next day. Alice says she she's trying really, really hard to get over Dana and maybe they can be friends again one day. This all sounds remarkable sane and Dana smiles and says she hopes they can be friends too because she misses Alice. A sane person will realize that she's saying she misses having Alice as a friend. Alice, not being sane, imagines it's an opportunity and thus says "Then come back to me."

- Shane is probably going to setup a booth in a skater boi shop. The owner wants Shane to be the hair stylists to all his cool little skater punks and eventually develop a line of hair products. This part seems like it was just kind of thrown together but previews for next week have the same guy (I think) talking to Moira about being trans and I'm guessing that starts the progress of Moira becoming Max. So not only is it totally random and obscure that Shane is going to setup a hair salon station in a skater shop but also the owner is a trans guy who's going to bond with Moira over her transition to Max? No, that can't be right can it? Fuck I'm old.

January 22, 2006| Permalink | Comments (2)

Week two finds Jenny still being crazy, Bette being whiny, Tina scooting toward being straight again, Alice still being a psycho stalker, Shane dressing like a girly girl, Kit being frustrated with her son's homophobia, Dana is avoiding having a lump in her breast checked out and Helena still somehow inexplicable being on this show. I could just let that one sentence serve as the recap but the crazy-making stuff is in the details, so onward.

- Kit hires nancy boy Billie Blaikie (Alan Cummings) to run a party at the Planet and he does such a brilliant, over the top queen job that she eventually hires him to manage the place. Well actually I think she hired him to manage the Planet just to piss of her homophobic son David but the Vegas style party he threw was pretty good. Though god knows I could have done without seeing him in assless chaps.

- Alice has joined a love addicts group. She's an "OLA" obsessive love addict. No shit Sherlock. She tells the group that her birthday is coming up and it'd be just swell if Dana would give her a present and also she's knows that Dana will come back to her someday soon because they had like the best sex ever and nobody can stay away from sex like that for long. To help Alice along with the Dana recovery Helena hires a lesbian cleaning service to spruce up Alice's apartment. The cleaning lady and Helena were both quite disturbed by Alice's shrine and life size cut out of Dana. Alice like the true psycho stalker she is refuses to let Helena throw out the cardboard. Helena has had enough of all the nonsense and steers Alice toward truly clearing Dana out of her system once and for all. Apparently the way to cleanse your self of your ex is to take all of your sex toys (a big ass box full) and dump them on the table in the coffee shop where your ex and her current girlfriend are hanging out. Speaking of Dana and Lara (or is it Laura?), last week during sex or couch fondling or something Lara (or is it Laura?) discovered a lump in Dana's breast. She made an appointment for Dana with a hard-to-get-an appointment with doctor which Dana blew off. Lara is concerned and insists that Dana see someone. Dana says she thinks Tina and Bette have a lady doctor that she can go see. I predict that next week Dana will have a biopsy, the week after she'll be diagnosed with breast cancer and by episode 10 she'll be dying. I think that would explain the influx of new regular characters this year (Helena still being around, and Moira the new butch chick). Normally I'd find this storyline tiresome but breast cancer is a serious issue in the lesbian community so I can't complain at all about The L Word talking about it. Jesus H Christ on a pogo stick, I was kind to the show for a minute. Shut my mouth and move on.

- The award for dumbest fucking lesbian couple on the planet goes to Jenny & Moira. While Moira is driving them cross country (on a fucking country road because apparently they can't find the freaking interstate) and Jenny decides she wants to go down on her. Let's forget how unsafe that is for a moment and instead point out that you can't do a proper job in that scenario and you're just going to leave the recipient unfulfilled which is just not nice to do. In addition the Moira's big ass pickup truck runs out of gas during the action. Two lesbians, driving cross country, off interstate, can't pay enough attention to the goddamn gas gauge to make sure they don't run out? Blah, blah, blah somebody finally helps them, they go into a small town and Moira is accosted for using the women's restroom. Because of course nobody in middle America has ever seen a freaking tomboy. I know everyone is talking about how great it is that The L Word finally has a really butch character and all but from where I'm sitting she looks like a pretty average tomboy. She's not particularly androgynous and gender confusing. So the fact that her using the restroom in broad daylight turned out to be the catalyst for an attempted gay bashing that led to Jenny tazering (is that a word?) the potential assailant seems more than a little heavy handed. Of course heavy handed is the flavor of the day. I mean of course a butch lesbian must drive a pickup truck (rolling my eyes here people) but Moira can't drive just any old pickup truck. No, she's driving one of the biggest fucking pickup trucks on the market. No one ever accused The L Word with being subtle with characterizations or stereotypes. There is more to this storyline but I'm bored now. So lightning round style: Jenny says she's not Moira's girlfriend but then gets jealous when Moira hits on someone else at a bar, so maybe possibly they're together now, and the chick playing Moira really isn't that great of an actress.

- The award for the second dumbest lesbian couple on the planet goes to Bette and Tina. They con David (yes that homophobic David) into being present for the second home visit with the cranky ass social worker. Meaning they lure him over and don't tell him that they plan to ambush him with their need for him to be the straight man in Angelica's life, right before the social worker arrives. The plan more than blows up in their faces when the oh so Canadian actor playing David rambles on, in front of the social worker, about how he doesn't believe in gay adoption, how Angelica is going to suffer in Bette and Tina's care and blah, blah, blah. Of course since Tina spends the end of the episode having cyber sex with a man (ew) I guess they have to give back their award for the second dumbest lesbian couple on the planet. As I mentioned before, if someone had to decide they wanted men I'm glad it's Tina since she was not a self-identified lesbian before hooking up with Bette. However I'm still waiting for the day that one of the Desperate Housewives (or take your pick on any other straight soap) decides she just really can't hide her attraction to women any longer.

Previews for next week show Tina considering going to work for Helena at her new movie studio. Bette doesn't like the plan but Tina says somebody in their family has to make money since Tina has been unemployed and trying to follow her passion since she got fired at the end of last season.

- Shane is still hanging out with Carmen's family. For the quincenero they dress Shane up in a dress, girly shoes and hair extensions (it makes the actress look quite like she did in that episode of Law and Order SVU where she played a transsexual). They also make Shane dance with Luis, a short little man who asks Shane to tell Carmen how much he loves her. Apparently Luis has been loving Carmen since grade school and since Shane is Carmen's "best friend" can't she just convince Carmen that he'd be good to her and always love her? Pretty please and thank you. Of course Carmen really isn't being subtle about how she wants to sleep with Shane all the time. Eventually the family is going to catch on and it's going to be insanely ugly.

Until that point though Shane and Carmen are living together and have the place to themselves while Jenny is off being cross-country crazy. So the living room/kitchen serves as a perfect place for a little strip tease act by Carmen after the quincenero. Carmen is just insanely hot. Particularly in all the girly girl lingerie she was rocking. Black bra, black panties, garters, the whole nine. But of course her dancing and disrobing was disturbed by Jenny calling. That's just cold people. Hotness interrupted by the craziness just isn't right.

So look for Dana to die, Tina and Bette to break up again, Tina to be with a guy, Jenny to continue being crazy and Carmen to be shunned by her family. Those are my season 3 predictions thus far.

January 16, 2006| Permalink | Comments (6)

Sweet jesus. I planned on getting back to my ritual of doing L Word recaps each week but my level of frustration with this show has reached all new levels. I don't know if I, or my tv, will survive a full season. I'm going to try for the moment but totally reserve the right to just watch Grey's Anatomy instead.

The new season kicks off 6 months after the season 2 finale. Tina and Bette are still together, Shane and Carmen are still together, Alice is fucking psycho, Dana and Lara (or is it Laura?) are together, Jenny is still crazy and back to being not cute with long hair, and for some reason Helena is still on the show.

- Bette and Tina have to go through a second-parent adoption so Tina can be baby Angelica's second, legal parent. The next step in this process is to talk to a state adoption person who clearly hates lesbians, liberals and children. Perfect job placement there. Child-Hater is quite concerned that Tina & Bette's child will not know what a man is. Because clearly L.A. turned into a lesbian paradise without absolutely no men anywhere in sight. But let's move beyond that predictable social worker thinking lesbians somehow manage to live their entire lives without men element and instead talk about Tina & Bette's parenting philosophies. They include attachment parenting which means they never, ever let the child be without human contact, not baby proofing the house, not even bothering with having a crib (being alone in a crib would interfere with the prime directive of always having human contact) or baby toys about. Now I know this is California and all but why would you not do everything in your power to make sure you seemed as capable and competent and wonderful and text book perfect parents? I mean you don't have to buy into it all but why would you want to be as weird as possible? Because this is a soap opera that must take everything so far over the top it's just not funny anymore. Whatever.

Although they don't believe in baby toys in their house (the child was playing with a pot and a wooden spoon when the social worker visited) they take Angelica to a musical playgroup and invite everyone, including the single father that has eyes on Tina and I predict Tina will be attracted to in 4.3 episodes, to Angelica's 6 month birthday party. Bette hires the music playgroup leader to play at the party which pisses Tina off because they're poor now. Bette hasn't worked since the museum fired her (thanks to Helena). Being poor though is not apparently the worst of their problems. Their sex life has gone to shit and they're seeing a therapist to try and revive it. There is a sex scene involving the two of them later but I was distracted at the time so obviously it wasn't very hot.

- Helena (why is she still on this show?) visits a tarot card reader who impresses her by knowing that she's buying a movie studio. The card reader also lets her know that she'll soon be sleeping with a creative, passionate, bisexual brunette who drives a blue car. That's pretty impressive for a tarot card reading. You know who is a creative (writer), passionate (psycho stalker), brunette (if you squint really hard), bisexual who drives a blue car (blue mini cooper to be exact)? Alice. Apparently Alice and Helena have been hanging out quite a bit in the six months that Alice has become a stalker. It kind of makes sense. Oh I haven't adequately addressed Alice's stalker-ness have I? No. In the course of this episode she made a very uncomfortable scene when the whole group was discussing euphemisms for the female anatomy and she "quoted" things that Dana supposedly used to say such as "No one can touch my (insert euphemism of your choice here) like you Alice." She also pursued Dana in a high speed car chase across the streets of Los Angeles, stood outside the window and watched Dana and Lara (or is it Laura?) have sex, and lit candles at an alter to Dana, complete with life sized cardboard cutout, in her apartment. I guess that's the advantage of a semi-famous ex, you don't have to make your own cardboard cutouts. So yeah, psycho stalker applies.

- Jenny, who spent last season doing weird strip shows and cutting herself, is visiting/staying with her mother and step-father in Skokie, IL. Why? Don't know. The best I can tell she's doing it so she can harass her parents by being in therapy and being a lesbian. And also maybe writing a story about it? Again, don't know. I do know that she picks up a butch woman named Moira, takes her back to her parents where they fuck loud enough to wake the parents up. They then pack up Jenny's stuff and Jenny and Moira head to LA together. I wouldn't think that being screwed (um literally) and screwed (um, just being a trick that would piss her parents off) would be the basis for a relationship and cross country move but apparently I'd be wrong.

- In the six month hiatus Kit and her son somehow bonded. He's now giving her medical exams. That's unethical you know. You're not supposed to treat your family. B tells me that all the time when I ask why she doesn't want to be my doctor. He ends up diagnosing her as being menopausal. The most important part he plays though is to not-so-subtly refer to baby Angelica as Tina's baby. Good of him to carry over the Ossie Davis' character's homophobia from the past two season. Next week Bette and Tina will want him to be the constant male in Angelica's life to appease the social worker but he'll remind them that he doesn't believe in gay adoption. I don't believe in George Bush's presidency but there he is in the White House nonetheless so maybe Kit's son means he doesn't support gay adoption.

- Shane is meeting Carmen's family finally but not in the "I'm dating your daughter" way but in the "Latinos don't think about gay people so they won't notice that I'm such a lesbian and Carmen can't keep her hands off me" way. In the latter capacity Carmen's family loves Shane, tells her they're sure she'll soon have a boyfriend and gives her a dress to wear to some cousin or niece's quincenero. None of that really matters though. What matters is that Shane looks like she's been on a 3 day meth bender because she has huge raccoon eyes and this weird curl thing going on with her hair and she's so freaking skinny.

And that, in a nutshell, was The L Word this week. Welcome back.

January 9, 2006| Permalink | Comments (7)

The L Word Season 3 starts this Sunday. I've seen the previews for the upcoming season and good god almighty there looks to be much to kvetch and bitch about already. Namely Tina deciding that after all these years digging women (Bette, Helena) she's now having feelings for men again. At least it's a character that was with men previous and not always a self-described lesbian, but still, damn. I know this is a soap opera but does it have to coincide with just about ever straight boy's fantasy about lesbians, including lesbian sex being just a performance for straight men (a la Fucking Sleazy Creep filming and watching Shane, Jenny and their lovers last season), lesbians who really want me (see Tina cozying up to a guy in the season 3 preview), lesbians as predators (see Marina season 1) and on and on.

All that being said? Can't freaking wait for seaon 3 to start. That's the mark of a succesful soap. I'm constantly fussing about it yet still I'm excited and always watch it. I'm hoping to be able to do recaps this season. Probably not on Monday's but hopefully by Tuesday afternoon I'll have the recap for each week's show.

January 6, 2006| Permalink

We begin in Key West on what I presume to be an Olivia Cruise. As the sun sets a cellist (Amy Ziff of the band Betty) is on the deck playing to tables and tables full of women. One woman in particular is extremely interested though the other women at her table want to interrupt her to talk about sex. Turns out the interested woman is Phoebe Sparkle, renowned fictional lesbian sexpert (modeled on Suzie Bright maybe?). Phoebe and the cellist hit it off and have lots of sex. The reason I really like this sex is because the cellist weighs more than 12 pounds. It's a good thing.

- Fucking Sleazy Creep is asleep with a woman in his bed when Jenny starts antagonizing him via the camera hidden in her room. She's imitating a porn scene I think and he quickly wakes up and heads to her room. When he gets to her she has written "Is that what you want?" on her naked body. He tries to start some Fucking Sleazy Creep bullshit about how she'll understand when she sees his documentary. She rightfully puts him in his fucking place and tells him what a bastard he is. He wants to go tell Shane what he's done and take down all the cameras but Jenny tells him no. Shane and Carmen are going on a cruise (that Jenny is also supposed to be going on) and she refuses to let Fucking Sleazy Creep ruin their vacation. She says she'll decide when he can tell Shane. Fucking Sleazy Creep goes to pout.

This experience has inspired something in Jenny but I'm not really sure what. She commandeered one of Fucking Sleazy Creep's camera and is making a video letter to her mother. She's surrounded by pictures of her family and starts asking questions about someone (I'm thinking maybe a grandfather) losing their mind. Then she wants to ask her grandmother questions about being in Auschwitz. She wants to know if her grandmother remembers the man that tattooed her there. She's very intensely involved in this video letter though I'm not sure where it's going. She's interrupted by Carmen showing up and asking her if she's packed for the cruise. Jenny says she's decided not to go because she's really into her video project and besides Carmen and Shane will have a good time together. Carmen says she wants to go on the cruise with her girlfriend and Jenny says "who's that?" Then Shane comes in a says she's not going if Jenny isn't going and Carmen says she's not going if they aren't going and that sucks because she wanted to go. Eventually they all decide to go. Jenny's passive aggressiveness at the house was just a precursor to her bizarre behavior on the ship. She hints every way imaginable that the three of them should have a threesome, pushes Shane and Carmen into a kiss on the dance floor, and dances and flirts like mad with other people. Carmen is disturbed by her behavior and Shane just tries to avoid it all. She's able to do that pretty easily because, just like every lesbian on this show, as soon as the sexpert meets Shane she wants to hook up with her. So they hang out with one another and head back to Phoebe SnowSparkle's cabin where they both declare that they are tired and Shane crashes on the couch. Thus successfully avoiding the tension that is still simmering in her own cabin.

- Alice and Tennis Player are psyched for the cruise. TP is speaking on a panel. I'm not really sure about what. Just being out in the public eye I guess but I'm not really sure why she's on a panel with the sexpert but I've never been on an Olivia cruise so these things are beyond my little mind. I think the cruise is just a new place for them to have sex. After an embarrassing incident involving their nipple clamps (yes, I just wrote nipple clamps) being confiscated at the airport they can't wait to get it on on the ship. They even play dress up like Captain Stubing and Julie (from The Love Boat people, catch up). The costumes are pretty much for naught as TP gets sea sick during the act. Though obviously disappointed that her sexcapades are interrupted by illness Alice goes to take care of TP like a good girlfriend should.

The most entertaining part of the cruise was a solo acoustic performance by Shawn Colvin.

- Bette's father is unexpectedly in town and as always Bette is terribly happy to see him. Her happiness wanes somewhat when he doesn't ask about Tina. It wanes even more when she tells him that she can't have dinner with him the next night because Tina is being honored and she's attending the event yet he doesn't ask why Tina is being honored. I'm not sure why she's hurt about his lack of concern or interest in Tina now since he's never been before. Maybe it's because he's very interested in seeing Kit, something he hasn't wanted to do in many years. The conversation eventually turns to the demise of Bette's parents' marriage. I got the impression that Daddy had cheated on Mom but didn't really fight to get her back afterward. Bette wanted to know why he didn't fight for their marriage but he told her that she wouldn't understand how deeply he had hurt her mother unless she's experienced the bond of marriage. Later as Daddy, Bette and Kit are having breakfast Bette kind of loses it and goes off on Daddy for not grasping the fact that she does understand because she's hurt Tina the same way. The only difference is she's not giving up.

Kit is still seeing Mr. TOE and her father is quite pleased about it. He and Mr. TOE have good dinner conversations. Of course Daddy doesn't know Mr. TOE is married.

The second night of Daddy's visit Bette goes to Tina's award ceremony. She's being honored for her work with whatever charity it is that she works for. Although she's there with Helena, Tina is interested in speaking to Bette. Bette looks lovely of course and Tina tells her that she's been thinking about "the other day" (aka when we slept together) and that it was nice. Really nice. Bette is a bit taken back by the description of really good sex as nice but she gets over it quickly as Tina explains that she's been thinking about the other day and thinking that she would really like to spend more time with Bette. Bette asks if she's saying she's like to date her and Tina says yes. "What about Helena?" We aren't exclusive. At that moment Helena swoops in and whisks Tina away but the groundwork has been laid. Bette is incredibly happy. And even though they are seated at different tables for the dinner Tina looks for Bette and is pleased to see her. Of course because this is a soap opera Bette gets a phone call that her father is being rushed to the hospital just before Tina accepts her award. And naturally as Tina goes up on stage the face she is looking for in the crowd is Bette's. So a little twinge of hurt that Bette isn't there though clearly she must understand that something has to be wrong for Bette to bolt the place after Tina said "let's date."

If you don't know Bette's father was played by Ossie Davis. In this episode his character is very frail and noticeably weak. It broke my heart because of his recent death. According to previews for next week his character on the show is suffering from end stage prostate cancer and he is refusing treatment for it.

- After Shane, Jenny and Carmen return from the ship (where they sadly did not have a threesome) they find Fucking Sleazy Creep taking down the last of his hidden cameras. He tells that he had them all over the house and that Jenny found out when she saw a tape of Shane and Carmen but didn't want to ruin their vacation. The cameras and tapes are on the table so Jenny picks up said tape and hands it to Carmen. Later Carmen tries to point out that not only did she say that she and Shane have "the real thing" but she also said that it's easy and fun with Jenny so isn't that enough? Jenny says that Shane is her best friend and she doesn't want to fuck that up.

Shane is pretty devastated by Fucking Sleazy Creep. She hits him upside the head with a piece of his equipment (sadly not hard enough or a large enough piece of equipment to do any damage) before throwing it across the room.

This entire scene is cut without any music at all and after Shane throws the equipment she bends over, holding her knees, unable to process the whole thing, the silence is almost deafening. All the credits roll without sound as well. It's a very powerful effect. I was pleased and lord knows I don't say that often here.

April 25, 2005| Permalink | Comments (2)

All you really need to know about this episode: Bette and Tina had sex. Though knowing you the way I do I know you want more. Don't you? OK fine.

- Tina and Bette go to Tina's doctor appointment together. Helena of course isn't pleased but Bette is thrilled to be included and to see the sonogram. It's nice because Tina and Bette even hold hands a little and smile sweetly at each other. Then Bette is helping Tina put groceries away in Tina's apartment. Now, a cynical mind would say the next sequence of events is caused by pregnancy hormones, a more romantic mind (which I currently have) would say that it's caused by Tina trying to figure out what exactly she wants since she obviously still loves Bette.

So there they are putting groceries away and they hug each other. Chalk it up to being emotional over the sonogram and their upcoming baby, whatever. Then Tina kisses Bette. Tina is totally in control of the situation. They kiss and it's soft and sweet and then it progresses and they have all kinds of sex. It was lovely. I quite enjoyed it. Afterwards they were a bit awkward with one another as Bette said she knew that just because they had sex that didn't mean they were suddenly back together.

Later Helena shows up at Tina's and Tina literally tries to jump her bones. She wants to fuck and she wants to fuck now (now whether or not she's showered since she and Bette went at it I don't know). B had said earlier that Tina was acting like a ho and I said no she wasn't because she'd only slept with 2 people since the show began, the same number as Bette. But then when she tried to jump Helena I said to B "*Now* you can say she's acting like a ho." But Helena wasn't having any of the jumping. Tina accused her of not being interested in sex unless their is an audience and/or not being the aggressor. Tina is absolutely right on this score. Helena is completely uninterested in the sex or the fight and says that Tina is just hormonal. I personally think Tina was trying to fuck Bette out of her system. I think being with Bette during the sonogram and having sex with her reminded her how much she loves and misses her. But what do I know? Later Helena and Tina sort of make up and Helena shows Tina the nursery that she's had created in her house so that when Tina and the baby stay over they will be comfortable. Presumptuous much? At the same time Helena is showing off the nursery she's had built Bette is finishing the nursery that she's being working on. Bette's nursery seems like much more Tina's style than the over the top madness at Helena's.

- Alice likes sex toys. A lot. She's ready to bring them into the bed with Tennis Player. Tennis Player is hesitant. Never mind I can't even write about this. I mean that's just too much even for me. So I'll just let you use your imagination on this.

- To open the episode Carmen & Jenny have sex on the toilet. It's as disturbing as it sounds and I only tell you this to drive home the point that Jenny and Carmen have been fucking a lot. As they've been fucking Jenny's feelings for Carmen have grown more and more while Carmen still really just wants Shane. Jenny finds this out in the dumbest way possible. While looking for crap in Fucking Sleazy Creep's room she finds a tape/dvd/media format of your choice that is labeled "Shane Carmen Love Confession" or something like that. Boy is smart enough to clandestinely place cameras throughout the house but stupid enough to label shit like that? Please. Just please. At least Jenny finally has a broken heart. After Tim, and Marine Boy and Trapeze Artist it was really time. She spills all this to the homophobic actor from last week who is really just a closet case. He sort of hired her and then sort of didn't fire her after she weepily confessed to her broken heart and he weepily confessed to outing the only man he ever loved to the tabloids and ruining his career. So she won't be ghost writing his memoirs. At least I don't think so.

- There is some boringness with Shane cutting Fucking Sleazy Creep's hair, Shane not doing Crazy Bitch's hair (even though she was supposed to be) and Kit getting stood up by a married Mr. TOE (his marriage is confirmed this episode). After getting stood up Kit goes to an AA meeting and who should be leading it? Ivan. Ivan then takes her to a strip/burlesque club where Ivan's woman is a dancer. Ivan and this woman have been together for five years. Kit is pissed when she finds this out because Ivan was trying to romance her like 6 minutes ago and never mentioned this dancer woman. Ivan says monogamy doesn't work for him/her and he/she would have mentioned it to Kit if they'd made any progress on the romantic front. Hmm huh.

- Fucking Sleazy Creep takes a sample of the footage that he's shot secretly to his producer. And by producer I mean the porn producer who has already given him an advance. The producer is pissed because the sample footage doesn't include any sex. Seems Fucking Sleazy Creep doesn't want to make porn, he wants to make a ground breaking documentary about lesbians that will surely get him into Sundance. The porn producer wants hot lesbian sex. Fucking Sleazy Creep is going to have to pay back the advance now. Boo fucking hoo.

April 18, 2005| Permalink | Comments (2)

I don't if it's because I've just been really busy at work today or if it's because this episode really sucked but I completely forgot about doing the recap until nearly 3:00. Oops. So since it's 3:30 now the recap is going to be really quick.

- Actually this episode wasn't all that bad (I can't believe I just said that out loud). Mainly because the seeds were planted for Bette and Tina's reconciliation. I know that Bette was evil and fucked up but I, like all of lesbian America, really want them back together. The seeds came in 3 forms. 1) Bette telling Tina that she's entering therapy. Tina at first thinks Bette wants them to go back to couples therapy but is overjoyed when Bette says she's going by herself. Everybody knows that Bette has some issues and Tina is really glad Bette's starting to address them. 2) Tina starting to see how inappropriate and needy Helena is. 3) Bette learning to not take the bait when Helena goads her (Helena can't stand it when you can't take the bait). She got that piece of advice from Helena's ex. Tina was noticeably impressed when Bette put it into practice. The main road block to reconciliation of course will be Bette's decision whether or not to be a character witness against Helena per Helena's ex's request. It would be really stupid on Bette's part because not only is Helena currently fucking Bette, she's also relocating to L.A. and joining the board of directors of Bette's museum.

- Alice and Tennis Player are still having lots of sex that we don't see but they talk about. I guess it's because they've been friends forever but they seem more like an old couple than a twosome in the brand new, honeymoon stage (except for the having lots of sex part). When Alice is asking TP's advice on a piece she's writing TP isn't all "you're so wonderful and everything you write is great" like someone brand new would be. In fact she wasn't helpful at all. It made me look over at my beloved and say to her "thank you for not being like that when I show you pieces I'm writing." Shockingly despite TP's non helpfulness Alice is struggling to find a topic for her KCRW commentator audition (which is a kick ass radio station in LA which I'd love to do commentary for except well I don't live in LA). This leads her and her Powerbook to The Planet (cafe version) for a bit of work. There she runs into her ex Gabby (she was on one episode last season, is played by Guinevere Turner and was a complete bitch). Turns out Gabby is in love with The Planet's new chef and because apparently LA only has like 25 lesbians that chef is of course Laura, TP's ex from last season. Cue drama next week.

- Shane is a bitch to Carmen and then apologizes. All this serves to show is that Carmen is still completely wrapped around Shane's finger. Jenny on the other hand is completely wrapped around Carmen's finger. When Carmen mentions that it seems like Jenny has a little crush on her teacher, Sandra Bernhardt, Jenny is upset that Carmen isn't even the smallest bit jealous.

- Jenny gets a gig ghost writing a former action film star's memoirs. The gig comes courtesy of Sandra Bernhardt. Except the action film star isn't down with the gay people. In the flashback (yes, they've brought the flashback back) he is seen being hostile toward his gay co-star because he thinks people wouldn't want to see an action movie with a gay lead). So Jenny doesn't actually get the job. Interesting point though is that Jenny tells Carmen she lost the job because she's a lesbian. She actually referred to herself as a lesbian. Dropped the whole bisexual thing pretty quick didn't she? Maybe that's a hint for someone I know who came up as Jenny in the "Which L Word character are you quiz." She's totally going to kill me for that. You know I kid because I love. ;)

- Shane goes to confession. Yes the kind of confession in a church with a priest. During this confession we learn that her mother was a drug addict and she grew up in foster homes. Because the only reason one would be promiscuous is that they had bad childhoods. Bygones. She also says that everyone wants sex from her. She neglects to mention that she also wants sex from everyone but when someone, like I don't know say Carmen, actually wants to care about her and have a relationship with her she runs. Ahem.

- Fucking Sleazy Creep is still obsessed with Shane. She's nice to him because you know he stopped her from being really beat up last week. Little does she know that he and his scuzzy friend are trying to sell the footage he's been secretly taping. And who's he trying to sell it to? A porn company of course. Problem is Fucking Sleazy Creep doesn't really want to make a porn video. He wants to show people a whole segment of the population they've never seen before (apparently he doesn't get Showtime). His friend on the other hand wants lesbian sex galore. His friend is really pissed that Fucking Sleazy Creep is so into Shane. Scuzzy Friend points out that he's never, ever going to have Shane because Shane doesn't like boys that way. Scuzzy Friend is a big drama queen about it all and basically says I can't believe you're going to ruin our friendship over someone you're never going to fuck.

The drama between the two boys looks like a softening of Fucking Sleazy Creep's evilness but I'm not going for it. Just because he may at some point in the future not to be completely evil and exploit the women that actually gave him a place to live and were nice to him and were friends to him does not make him an ok guy. The trend better be that straight boys only get to be on for one season and he'll be fucking kicked to the curb in the season finale and will never return.

- I've totally figured Helena out. She is the new Predatory Lesbian. Long dark hair, foreign accent, sex obsessed, totally the new PL. Her sex drive is really out of control. When she and Tina are looking for rental houses (Helena needs the rental house, Tina is not moving in with her) she jumps Tina while the real estate agent is in the next room. She's agitated that he interrupts them instead of being embarrassed at the behavior. To harass Bette, Helena decides to throw an impromptu house warming party for herself. She invites the whole gang including Bette. Bette doesn't take the bait (per Helena's ex's instructions). Everyone else seems to agree to go but no one actually does. Instead they go spend the evening with Bette instead. It's a nice display of friendship for Bette. Helena is pissed as hell though and Tina basically has to bribe her with sex to get her to shut the fuck up about it.

Previews for next week show Helena being jealous of Bette, Bette and Tina growing closer (including maybe a kiss) and Jenny finding out about Fucking Sleazy Creep's clandestine taping. Too bad so sad for Jenny that the footage she finds includes Carmen basically telling Shane how much she wants her and saying that Jenny doesn't have a clue.

April 11, 2005| Permalink | Comments (4)

I'm sersiouly, seriously pissed with this episode. Carmen and sort-of-cute with short hair Crazy Jenny get it on and all we see is some weird slapping and lying together nonsense but it gets all graphic when Helena is going down on a oh so very pregnant Tina. So. Not. Fair.

- Kit is obviously still messing with Mr. TOE because he sent her a big ass bunch of flowers though he is nowhere to be seen in this episode.

- Dana and Alice break the land speed record for going from "two that I want to see get it on and be a couple" to "boring couple that I'm ready to see break up." It's not really their fault I guess it's just that they seem pretty boring now. They wouldn't be nearly as boring if we'd actually see some of the mind blowing sex that they spend a great deal of time talking about. Seeing would be too much for us though so we just have to have pregnant woman sex to get us through.

- Attractive, professional lesbians are obviously in short supply in L.A. because single Bette is considered prime, fresh meat and everyone and their sister is trying to pick her up. The way it all was played was pretty stupid because it made most of the women look terribly desperate but there was one funny line with someone offering to be "your rebound girlfriend." Bette isn't really interested in any of the women but she does try to pick up a sculptor whose work she is looking at for her museum. Alas the sculptor has a girlfriend. There's also some boring plot about Bette's museum having brought in a professional fund raising and Bette being really bitchy to him. Partially because she feels threatened by him, partially because he doesn't think Helena Peabody is the devil, and partially because Bette really is a bitch.

- Tina is apparently "seeing" Helena Peabody and not just fucking her in hotel swimming pools. We know this because naked Tina and Helena wake up together when Helena's two kids spring into the bed with them. Naked Tina is very disturbed by this (as well she should be). Helena proves just how icky she is by saying something like "children are sexual beings too and it's not shameful for them to be aware that mummy and Tina are getting it on." Tina disagrees and wants to get dressed as soon as possible. She apparently forgot that she disagreed though because later as the children do whatever it is that children do, in the living room of the hotel suite, Helena goes down on Tina on the balcony. Sadly for Tina they are interrupted by Helena's ex. Seems the children were supposed to be back in NY with their other mother like 12 hours ago. Helena just kind of decided to ignore the court order and keep them for an extra weekend so they could go to Sea World. Apparently all the water and animals in Sea World dry up during the week and don't get reconstituted until Friday mornings, thus preventing her from taking the kids before their court ordered return to NY time. Helena thinks her ex is evil because 1) she just thinks she's evil 2) because the ex refuses to be bought by her and 3) the ex is apparently kind of poor. Kind of poor is bad. Didn't you know that?

The point of all this is to make Helena whine about possibly losing her children to the ex, particularly because the younger of the two was birthed by the ex (I've always wanted to use the word 'birthed'). Biology usually wins so Helena says she's quite scared that as the biological mother the ex will be able to cut her out of their son's life despite the fact that they they dreamed of and conceived of the child together. This whining is important because Tina hasn't decided what if any role she wants Bette to have in her baby's life. Bette feels strongly that the baby is hers too because they dreamed of and conceived of the child together (sound familiar?). Technically Tina conceived the child by her lonesome but the donor is a friend of Bette's and they picked him out together last season. Legally of course Tina doesn't have to let Bette into the child's life at all because as gay people the concept of legal rights for us is fucking laughable.

- Shane is still working for Crazy Bitch. Crazy Bitch lives up to her name this episode by throwing a massive fit when her film loses funding. She throws things at people, knocks over things and screams like mad. Do people in Hollywood really behave this way? Her obnoxious behavior continues as she forces Shane to go with her to get a chemical peel and later go home with her. Drugged and in pain from the chemical nonsense Crazy Bitch wants Shane to stay with her. Instead Shane steals a bottle of Oxy Contin, convinces Crazy Bitch to let her have the Oxy (after she's already pocketed it) and then leaves. Crazy Bitch is so not happy. Shane, drugs in tow, goes to The Planet.

At The Planet (nightclub version) Carmen and Jenny are flirting and kissing and acting much more sexual than I care to see the DJ being. I like my DJs to stand behind the decks, look cute and kind of dance a little bit. Not making out and coming pretty damn close to jumping someone. But since I'm not in the club I kind of dug what they were doing. Shane didn't though. Finally showing she actually has something of a heart or at least some organ that produces feelings she flees the club after seeing the dj/writer mash-up. Later back at the house Carmen and Jenny are doing even more kissing and flirting and seem to be ready to fuck each other's brains out. That is until Shane walks in with her two dates/tricks/whatever. Yes two. Carmen completely loses her motivation to fuck Jenny and leaves. Jenny is of course sad.

Next morning Carmen comes back over, apologizes to Jenny and says that she normally doesn't fall for unavailable people. Jenny says you can't help who you fall for. And then suddenly they are mostly naked on Jenny's bed. Jenny's room is pink with pictures of naked women and people making out by the way. Once mostly naked on the bed Jenny and Carmen kiss and slap each others arms. I didn't understand it. I admit that I'm not down with the kink myself but arm slapping just doesn't seem that sexy to me. I assume they moved past arm slapping since they both look terribly pleased upon exiting the room. Carmen loses the happy again though when she's sees Shane. She gives Shane a speech about Shane not being able to deal with nice people caring for her or doing nice things for her. Shane looks hurt and also like she's been up all night because the LSD she took won't let her sleep. Not that I would know that LSD keeps you up all night.

Now I'm not really sure if my interpretation of this next part is right but I'm going with it anyway. From what I can gather Shane is hurt by Carmen's words and the fact that she was banging Jenny. So she takes a bunch of extacy and goes to Venice Beach. She calls Jenny to come get her but Jenny isn't home so Fucking Sleazy Creep will have to do. Between the time she called Fucking Sleazy Creep and the time he got there Shane, with her completely androgynous self tries to turn tricks for sleazy men who think she's a boy. They figure out she's a girl and throw her out of the club/bar/alley/wherever they where. Fucking Sleazy Creep arrives in time to prevent her from being really beat up. Well yay fucking hurray, Fucking Sleazy Creep gets to be the hero for Shane. That's swell since his only other scene in this episode consisted of him quizzing Jenny about Shane. Wanting to know if she's just really good in bed or what it is about her that attracts women. He not so subtly hinted that he thinks Jenny should sleep with her to find out about the good in bed part. Absolutely disgusting.

Previews for next week show Helena Peabody's ex trying to convince Tina to appear as a character witness against Helena Peabody. Also Shane having a black eye, Carmen being terribly concerned and wanting to kill whoever did it to Shane and Shane being a completely and total bitch by saying "you did it." That's mature.

April 4, 2005| Permalink | Comments (3)

I was going to give the recaps up but I decided that by irritating me even more the show was in fact just giving me more to bitch about and we all know how much I love having things to bitch about. I reserve the right though to stop at a later date if Fucking Sleazy Creep gets any sleazier or any creepier.

Two Things I learned this week from watching The L Word:
1. Productivity gurus are insanely attractive to followers. This means David Allen probably gets to do more people than he can shake an open loop at (Gina is probably the only one going to get that joke).

2. Pregnant Tina is to lesbians what wildflowers are to bees, fucking attractive. I simply don't get it. If my girl was pregnant of course I'd find her attractive but the thought of getting it on with some other pregnant woman just doesn't do it for me. Yet another strike against me being a potential LA power lesbian.

Onward

- As hinted above, Kit gets it on with Mr. TOE. This happens after a discussion of his family. The discussion is vague about whether or not that family includes a wife but I got the feeling it does. Damn. Kit can't get a decent, non-married man? And the sex was woefully short and we didn't see much of Pam Grier at all. Not that I had even the slightest inclination to see Charles S. Dutton naked, but you know maybe Kit in her bra or something would have been nice. Yes I really do watch this show because of the women I find attractive. I thought you already knew. Anyway after doing Mr. TOE Kit wrangles Bette into going to a seminar and Mr. TOE gives Bette some good advice on how to start trying to woo Tina back. You might not know it but back in my single days I was quite the woo-er myself and I agree with Mr. TOE's advice completely so this leads me to believe that my estimation that they'd spend all season building up to a Tina & Bette reunion at the very end was spot on. If I were a betting woman I'd say we've got two weeks of Tina doing Helena Peabody, two weeks of Bette having some serious crisis, and two weeks of baby related drama leading to the season finale and a full on Bette & Tina reunion.

- Since I mentioned Tina doing Helena Peabody I guess I should spill the specifics. There is a dinner for recipients of Peabody grants and of course Tina and Helena attend. Now I'm going to have to question the LAist peeps about this but Chateau Marmont seems like a strange place for such a dinner. It was very necessary to have said dinner at a hotel though so Tina and Helena could get it on in a hotel pool. Apparently the rest of the hotel's guests have absolutely no interest in the pool cause they were quite undisturbed during their poolside and intra-pool tryst. I just said a silent prayer that swimming pool chemicals are strong enough to combat pregnant woman hormones. Tina is at first hesitant about stripping and having sex in a pretty public place but apparently saying "I've wanted to fuck you since the first moment I saw you" is the surest way to get Tina in the mood. I think that line works on Bette too since that's pretty much the same m.o. Candace used.

- Alice is pretty desperate for Tennis Player to break up with Cat Killer. Tennis Player is pretty desperate to fuck Alice again. Alice says no sex until the breakup deed is done. TP swears to do it after her tournament. Yes! The Tennis Player is actually participating in a tennis tournament. We'll take even if it is (pay attention it's going to get lame and confusing quickly) a ploy for another cheap cameo this time it's Melissa Rivers who, while looking shockingly like the plastic surgery version of her mother, hooks up with Cat Killer. So Cat Killer and TP simultaneously break up with each other. Cat Killer dumps TP because Melissa Rivers is apparently a bigger celebrity and TP dumps Cat Killer because she really doesn't love her. TP's speech is actually a good one about how post breakup with Laur